


Simplicity Itself

by sassy_curmudgeon



Category: MMFD, My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Emotional Baggage, F/M, I Blame Tumblr, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Loss of Virginity, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1453231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassy_curmudgeon/pseuds/sassy_curmudgeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My chapter story…. it’s about lust, love, and infatuation. </p><p>(M rating, WIP, noncanon, teenage sexuality)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Finn tossed an old copy of Q Magazine to the floor as he flopped down onto his rumpled bed. It was a late Sunday night, and his parents were spending the weekend with his dad’s brother and his new girlfriend. They had offered Finn the chance to go with them, it was London after all, but Finn declined. They were due back tomorrow afternoon.

He was bored.

That night at the pub had been fairly uneventful, Chop was his usual loud, boisterous self; Izzy and Chop still continued that bloody stupid and maddening dance they did around each other. Everyone in the group silently acknowledged that those two wanted each other, but neither was willing to admit it. Chloe laughed and drank, Rae bantered with Archie, they all had a good time. Rae was a fairly new addition to the group but she was a laugh.

Finn was jolted out of his reverie by what sounded like a small pebble hitting his bedroom window. He froze for a long moment then shrugged, figuring he had imagined it.

-  _ping-_ another fucking pebble bouncing off his window. It was definitely a pebble, he knew what they sounded like on glass. Finn thought back to the last girl he had got off with, and how he had would sneak into her bedroom, alerting her by throwing little rocks at her window.

Finn’s breath hitched, the thought of a girl standing just outside was…. Interesting. He wasn’t in the mood for anything risqué… was he? He crept to the shuttered window and peered cautiously outside and down.

_Holy shit._ Was that-?

He opened the window and poked his head out. What was she doing here? Was everything ok?

“Rae?” he whispered, ducking his head low, his grip on the window sill tightening. “What’s wrong? You ok?”

Down below, Rae shuffled her feet. “Yeah…. Can I come up?”

Finn blinked. “What’s wrong?” he repeated, studying the girl closely. Blue jeans, her red chucks on her feet, a non-descript band t-shirt. She looked the same, except she had an edgy, nervous look about her, her eyes darting around the lawn and trees as quickly as a firefly.

Silence. Then “Ya said yer parents were away for a spell, yeah? So, can I come up? I need to…. I need to ask ya something.”

Finn could only gawk. What could she have to ask that was so compelling, that it required this much secrecy? She could have asked him at the pub.

“Please, Finn.” Rae’s voice was quieter now, a plaintive note striking his ears with a hint of melancholy.

“I’ll be down in a moment.” Their eyes met. “Then ya can come on up.”

———————————————————————————

Finn noticed Rae’s nervous gestures as she sat stiffly on his bed. She tucked a stray strand of ebony hair behind an ear, tapped her fingers restlessly, and constantly shifted. He sat next to her with a sigh, shoving more magazines onto the floor.

 “What is it? Ya can tell me.”

Finn said this a bit more gently, mindful that she seemed frozen with pure nerves. He hadn’t known Rae that long, now that he thought about it. When they had first met, Finn had been put off by her brazen personality. She was outspoken, arrogant and loud. He hadn’t really liked the girl at first, resentful of her intrusion as well as her disdain of him. They had finally reached a point where they felt comfortable with each other, even after that whole fiasco involving Archie. Finn appreciated Rae’s wryness, her wittiness, her music taste. She was sound, although they were not very close.

Rae’e eyes were surprisingly shy as they locked on his. “I need yer help, Finn.”

Finn wasn’t the slouchy, grumpy shit that everyone thought. He wasn’t much of a talker, but he did have a heart. He did care about his family and his mates. It was this sentiment that made him edge closer to her, concern in his dark eyes.

“You can tell me, Rae. What’s got ya down?”

“It’s….” ah, she was flushing again, her skin pink.

“It’s a bit… hard to explain.”

“Try. I won’t judge ya.”

Those words seemed to do the trick as she loosened her stiffened posture, laughed and threw him a fond look. “I know, Finn. That’s why I came to you. See, I been watching ya for a while. I know ya ain’t the bad sort, just a moody git.” Her nose crinkled with mirth. “You can help me with this.”

Finn leaned back and shrugged easily. “Ok so… what do I have to do?”

He watched as Rae suddenly had a strange look on her face. She was scrutinizing his features a little too closely, the act itself was almost intimate. Finn shifted, clearing his throat. He wished she would get on with it, then they could listen to music for a bit, talk, she would go home.

Finn was startled out of his reverie as she Rae stood up and walked over to his records. She began to flip through them. Finn fought an eye roll. All this bloody melodrama and she only wanted to borrow some of his music?  _Girls._

“It’s a bit difficult to explain, Finn. It’s something that has been on my mind for a while and I really think only you can help me. Do ya remember weeks ago when I first met ya and everyone was talking about…. Orgasms?”

The conversation had taken a bizarre turn and Finn could only stare at her back, gobsmacked.

“You said orgasms were mint.”

Finn had the grace to blush. “Well, yeah they are. I mean… ya know?”

Rae’s voice was eerily calm. “I know.”

Finn felt his stomach twist with the beginning of a familiar feeling. Did she just say that to him? There was something that had tugged at his curiosity and before he could stop himself he asked it.

“So, you and Archie, eh?”

Rae gave a low chuckle, shaking her head as if he had said something naïve and amusing. “No, just myself.”

_Crap. Fuck._ He was starting to become extremely rattled and maybe just a bit intrigued. Even though he didn’t know what she wanted from him, it was obvious that it was something that was making her cheeks turn pink. 

“I’m a fuckin’ virgin, Finn.” Rae dropped the record she was holding behind her and turned around with a jerk. Her brown eyes were shining with embarrassment and defiance.

He nodded. “Yeah, I know. So?”

Rae winced, smoothing back her dark locks. “Is it that obvious, Finn? How can ya tell?”

“Rae, what does this-“

“Just answer the bloody question. Please?”

That was twice tonight she had said please. It was a word Finn hardly ever heard Rae say, so she definitely was desperate. Looking into the pools of her wide eyes, Finn settled for the truth.

“Well, ya don’t ever like to answer questions about sex so I thought ya was embarrassed, yeah? Because ya lack, er… experience? And well, I can just read ya, I guess. Ya seem… ya seem… untouched.”

His gaze quickly went over her frame, eyes lingering briefly over her very ample bosom. Not for long, and when he looked up bashfully he was so startled that he stood. Rae has soundlessly crept up to him but stopped just shy of reaching him. She looked unsure. They were at eye level now.

“Well I am untouched, ya know. It’s just meself when I get bored or lonely. Or both.” She licked her lips and Finn was momentarily distracted by this. “But you can help me with this, yeah? As a friend.”

“Help you with…?” That single moment seemed to drag on interminably and Finn became hyperaware of the girl in front of him. Of how she swallowed thickly, how her eyes glittered with that unusual combination of fear and determination.

“I want ya to take my virginity.”

The silence became so loud that Finn wanted to scream. He suddenly thought he had misheard.

“What?”

Rae shrugged and looked down, before flickering her eyes up at him. “I said, Finn,” and now she spoke slowly, enunciating every word, “that I want ya to take my virginity. Tonight, if possible.”

“If poss- Rae, what? Is this a joke? I aint exactly chuffed at the moment if yer havin’ a laugh!” Finn hadn’t meant to raise his voice, but he was so rattled now. He moved restlessly away from her, balling his hands into fists.

Finn stopped short as he felt her soft hand on his chest. He looked up. Her look was pleading and hurt. Finn felt his gut twist.

“Just listen to me Finn. That’s all I am askin’ right now. Just hear me out!”

Finn exhaled sharply through his nose and nodded, shifting himself a bit and sneaking a look at her. Rae looked distractedly at his window, and he could tell she was choosing her words carefully.

“Finn… I know we don’t know each other that well and all. I had just seen Chloe for the first time in ages because, well.„”

“You was in France.”

She sighed. “Right, I was in France, weren’t I? So I met you lot and I’m just bloody happy. Happy to have friends, to feel normal. I know this all sounds strange as fuck but I just want you to understand. I want to do this. I want  _you_ to be the first.”

Finn continued to stand completely still. “Rae… I just can’t.”

Rae nibbled on her bottom lip and her expression was so imploring that Finn felt his heart sink a bit more.

“Finn, I’m not asking us to be an item. Fuckin’ hell, I know ya would never date someone like me.”

He shook his head quickly, “Fuck’s sake, Rae, that’s not it-“

“No, let me finish, tosser! I just… I get it. You’re such a slice and I’ve seen the girls you’ve gotten off with. I’m not looking for even romance. I just want to reach this milestone with someone that I trust.”

“Rae,” he said suddenly, “Just.. ok, let’s sit. No, I don’t bloody care if ya’d rather stand. There, sit right there. Now answer me this, why not Archie?”

Finn didn’t like her suddenly evasive eyes, the corners of her mouth turning up into the barest hint of a smirk. “Because no. I don’t fancy Archie like that.”

Finn snorted, “Please, do ya think me daft, woman? I saw the way ya would quiver when he looked at ya. From day one.”

“We aint compatible, alright? Can we just drop it?”

Finn squeezed his eyes shut then opened them. He unconsciously moved himself closer to her and a warning began to go off in his head.  _Red alert, red alert,_ his brain screamed,  _fucking red alert ya twat!_ He was just so overwhelmed. He couldn’t… you don’t just fuck your friends.

“Rae, I can’t. Don’t ya see how wrong that would be? Yer my mate and I just… don’t want to hurt ya.”

Her laugh was harsh, brittle. “Oh I see alright. Ya can’t fuck a fattie, can ya? Not when ya been running about, stickin’ it to these runway models-“

Before he could stop himself, Finn took her shoulders in his hands and squeezed. “Don’t say that! I think yer pretty. I always have.”

“Then why….” She whispered brokenly, “why don’t you…”

“Because yer my friend. Yer a girl, and It would be me takin’ advantage of ya when you was proper sad. No, ya sit there shakin’ yer head at me, Rae, but it don’t make it right. Even if it were a favor or however ya want to call it.”

Rae finally looked up and her eyes wre glistening with tears.  _Fuck._ Finn hated tears from females, he had been so conditioned by his parents not to ever make a girl cry.  He’s been plenty cavalier with prior girls, but most of them knew what they were getting into and were more experienced than Rae. But Rae… was so innocent and genuine. He  _hated_ tears, but especially on Rae.

“Please don’t cry, Rae.” Finn felt like the biggest knob in the history of the universe as he watched the girl across from him slowly come undone.

“I just… I really thought ya would understand. Boys don’t like me, I won’t ever get a boyfriend until probably uni and he’ll probably be blind and deaf. I just want to experience this…. This one act! Of feeling a boy’s hands on me, all over me, of feeling an orgasm that someone else caused. That way, I can remember it. Don’t matter if we’re friends, it would be better this way. Ya care, you’ve shown it.”

Finn leaned back as he contemplated her words. His refusal had become confused resistance, then that  _oh crap_ feeling, now he was feeling much more conflicted. He could feel a logic to her big speech. The question, however, was whether friends could have sex and then go about their business again as if nothing had happened?

Finn knew the answer was no. He also knew he was in deep shit, that he had been ever since he had heard the first pebble on his window.

“Sometimes Rae, I swear ya talk too well for such an untouched girl.”

Her eyes widened with hope, she could sense that he was caving. “Just tonight, Finn. We won’t tell the gang, yeah? It’s simplicity itself. You’ll see.”

_Little minx._ He wasn’t lying when he said he thought she was pretty. She had gorgeous eyes and sexy, lush lips, and that rack on her, holy shit. Finn stifled a groan as he felt himself harden, his stomach clenching with anticipation.

Leaning forward, Finn silently brushed his thumbs against her soft lips, watching with interest as she shuddered, closing her eyes languorously. Finn knew he was testing the waters, the last of his tattered resistance shredding as their lips met. He kissed her tentatively, slowly, then went to work on her bottom lip with a small nibble. Her lips parted and Finn ran his tongue on the outside of her lips before slipping his tongue. Her breathless moan was very, very satisfying. After heatedly kissing for another minute, they parted, red faced and panting. Finn still could not believe this was happening.

He smiled at her gently, and her own smile was glorious, as vivid as a sunrise.

Finn leaned down and began to tug her trainers off, then her socks, before reaching up for her shirt. Rae sat back with a wince.

“Changed yer mind?”

“No,” Rae answered quickly, “I bloody want this, just… can ya turn the lights off, Finn?”

“Why?”

“I just think everything will go more smooth if the ya kill the lights.”

Finn didn’t budge. “Why?”

Rae gave a sharp sigh, he could just feel her fighting an eye roll. Finn knew what she was thinking, however, he wasn’t stupid. Rae was so brilliant but so bloody insecure. She looked so tormented now and her thoughts lingered between them-

_I hate my body. You will hate it. Don’t look at it. I’m ugly and fat._

Finn trailed a hand up her breast, her throat, ghosted her lips and then settled it onto her cheek, stroking a calloused thumb on her lily-fair skin.

"The scars on my legs… I don’t want ya to have to look at them."

Finn felt a flutter in his chest. “It’s ok, Rae. Izzy told me ya had like some accident in France.”

"They’ll turn ya off," she said flatly. 

Finn shook his head, “Aint nothing now that could turn me off about ya.”

Her smile was tremulous, her eyes watery and still.

“Well, I’m about to make love to a beautiful girl, aint I? Of course I  wanna see all of her.”

Finn slowly undressed her, smiling and kissing her the whole time. He unraveled her, bit by bit, piece by piece, by the time she lay before him, flushed and tender and nude, Finn wanted to kiss her feet. He settled instead on laying a chaste kiss on her upraised knee.

He stripped off his plaid shirt, the white undershirt, then dropped his jeans to the ground. And by God did he relish the excited gasp that exited Rae’s pretty mouth as she gazed avidly upon his boxers, his arousal evident.

“Ya know what, Rae?” he murmured, his eyes raking over her body, taking in the plains, contours and valleys, “I think I’m more nervous than you are. I want ya to enjoy it so bad.”

Rae giggled and gave another toothy grin. The sight of it made his groin twist sharply and painfully. He couldn’t just jump her and fuck her like he would some other girl. This was Rae. She trusted him enough to offer herself to him in such a sweet way. Finn sensed this would require a finesse he wasn’t sure he possessed but he was going to try.

Finn kissed and caressed her body, not leaving an inch of her heated flesh untouched. She was a quivering heap once he had worked on her shoulders, breasts, fingers, knees. He lingered on the scars lining her thighs, as well as the twitching skin on the inside of her thighs.

He knew she was close so he sat back a little to catch his breath, rubbing the front of his boxers slightly because he about to blow himself. Finn shoved them down and kicked them off his bed. Looking down at Rae, he was taken aback at how sweetly she smiled at him, blushing no doubt at his nudity, but also looking so happy. Finn felt the strangest feeling grab hold of him. He didn’t know if he felt sick, or dying, or both. He just knew that Rae was doing this weird shit, some magic on him. She was unclothed but her open, genuine expression was her being truly naked.

“Can I?-“ Rae looked unsure as she sat up, eyeing him acutely. The first caress on him sent him reeling, gasping as she closed a fist around him. Finn closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of Rae’s hand on him.

"I aint ever touched a bloke like this before. Yer skin is so soft, Finn." Finn laughed a little at this, amused and touched at her honesty. 

He could tell she didn’t know what she was doing, sometimes her grip was too firm but it was enough to make him stutter out her name  _loudly._

“Shhh…” she hushed him, before unexpectedly sitting up and throwing her arms around him. They held each other close for over a minute, and he breathed in her sweet smelling hair, thinking this was the closest one human being could be to another. He could feel their hearts hammering together, chest against chest, and it was as if they were occupying the same body. Maybe they were in some crazy way, soon their bodies would really join, his breath would go from his lungs into hers, his body into hers… so to speak.

Still, the biological urge was strong and he was seventeen. He craved  _her,_ and all of her, soon.   

Rae rustled clumsily with the condom for a bit before gingerly slipping it on him. Finn could feel the sweat sticking to his forehead as he observed her, silent.

The rest of it was a blur, it really was. He remembered more kissing, more touching, he lay on top of her and caressed the warmth and wetness between her legs. Finn slipped a finger, then another into her, stretching her a bit. 

“Finn… just… please..” she moaned, running her hands down his back. Finn arched himself, dropping kisses into her throat and chest.

“Shush, Rae, I’m just preparing ya a bit, you’ve never done it so it will hurt.”

“Just fuck me already.” Her eyes glittered in the lamplight. 

The act itself was mind blowing. Finn had gotten off with , what was it, like 6 girls before. It was cool and all, he liked having sex and all of that. But Finn felt all of it, the rush of it combined with new feelings of tenderness and elation as he stared down at Rae Earl. He knew it had hurt her at first but Rae blinked it away- the girl was nothing if not brave. She bucked a bit and he lifted her knee, wanting to see if his changing the angle of his thrusts would cause her to moan even louder. Yep. Finn buried his head in the crook of her neck and breathed into her skin. Her tightening and clenching around him was making it near impossible to focus.

They did breathe the same air. He thought so anyway, and they let out gasps and moaned words together….  _Yes… yes… please… more…. Fas_

_ter.. shit… fuck…. God…_

He came so hard and with such a spine bowing intensity that Finn thought faintly,  _yep, I died between her legs and now this is heaven._ Rae finished just after he did, and they lay wrapped up in  tangle of young limbs for awhile. Finn waited till their bodies cooled, till their dampness dried, their breathing slowed, before he glanced down at her tired and sated face. They shared a look full of meaning and Finn felt the feeling again, growing in his chest and making words impossible.

“Sleep,” he murmured, fastening the blanket around her more securely. He tossed the used condom into the bin by his bed.

“No, it’s ok,” she whispered, “I won’t. I mean, I thought I was supposed to leave afterward?”

Finn shook his head, “Just sleep. We can think tomorrow, ok? Everything will be back to the way it was.”

Rae nodded and closed her eyes, sleep already overtaking her.   

_Back to normal. Back to the way it was_. Finn sighed deeply and stared at the ceiling, listening to Rae’s quiet breathing. He didn’t sleep for a long time afterwards.


	2. Chapter 2

“Rae,” her mum called loudly from downstairs, “phone for ya! It’s Chloe!” 

Rae set down the book she had been reading,  _The Sheik’s Disobedient Captive Bride,_ and sat up with a huff. How was she supposed to fantasize about a sexy desert man astride a noble white stallion as he raced towards her in the Sahara desert, sword in the air, lust in his eyes? There were too many interruptions in this bloody house.

“Mum,” she called, “tell Chloe somethin’?”

“What?”

“I don’t bloody know, tell her I went to the market. Or I’m in the shower.”

She could hear her mum mutter as she relayed the message, and Rae sank back into her duvet with a small sigh. Instead of continuing to read and skip ahead to the steamy bits, Rae decided to think back to the last few days…..

The night at Finn’s had been two nights before, and Rae had to squeeze her eyes shut and turn her face to the pillow as she remembered fragments of it. The night had been perfect. He had been perfect. Of course she had had no personal experience but Rae Earl had a vivid imagination and voracious reading habit and so she was thrilled that her fantasies concerning Finn had been fulfilled. More than fulfilled, actually. Yes, he had taken a bit of convincing but it had all worked out well. She had vanquished her pesky virginity and now was officially a proud member of the Stolen Innocence Society. She had snuck the condom wrapper from Finn’s room too, and she thought of it as her card, given to her by the Society.  _I really am mental. Bollocks, who cares._

Rae sighed happily as she remembered the feeling of their bodies together. She knew he hadn’t been disappointed, Rae could not help but feel a little smug as she recalled his groans, his look of sheer pleasure and his very loud orgasm. He had even insisted on her staying the night and had wrapped a strong arm around her. It had been fucking epic.

_Then why did ya sneak off? Why are ya avoiding everyone?_

Ugh, the little voice again. Fuck.

Rae was at a loss to explain what had happened there. She had woken up at around 6am, disoriented, only to be confronted with Finn’s face, slackened with sleep. It was weird how many things you could learn about someone when you slept in their bed. She had learned that Finn didn’t snore, his eyelashes were much darker than his hair, that he slept on his back (she curled on her side) and that the finger of his left hand twitched in the throes of slumber.

Naked in bed with the most gorgeous boy she had ever seen.

He had looked so heartbreakingly beautiful that Rae felt an immediate sense of loss and despondency. He had done her a favor, it didn’t mean anything serious. She wanted so badly to trace the skin on his shoulder with a finger, but the thought of him waking up and looking at her in the clear light of the morning was utterly terrifying.

So she had left. Slipped out of his bed as carefully as she could, and almost face-planted on his bedroom floor as her legs initially refused to cooperate. She wobbled and winced as she felt aching and soreness between her legs, but well, it was to be expected. Rae dressed quickly and took off, giving the sleeping boy one last fleeting look before making her way to the stairs.

She made it home in record time and- of course- could feel Mrs. Dewhurst’s beady eyes on her as she did her walk o’ shame back into her house. Rae considered showering, figuring hot water would help dull the throbbing of her flesh, but decided not to. She fell back asleep relishing the thought that Finn’s mark was all over her.

Oh, her mum had ruined it of course. That went without saying. As Rae had emerged from her bedroom and into the kitchen a few hours later, giving her mum and Karim a chipper greeting, she felt the older woman eyeing her severely.

“There’s a bite mark on your neck, Rachel.”

That was all she had said, but it was enough to put her in a right mood and as she recounted all the gory details in her diary, Rae began to feel the beginning of a freak out. A proper freak out.

 _Oh fucking fuck_.  _Finn is probably so disgusted with me. He liked it but all girls feel the same in the dark. Oh God. He’s gonna blab to everyone in the group and take the piss out of me to Chop and Archie…._

So she had decided to just avoid everyone. In the back of her mind, Rae knew Finn wouldn’t do that, but Rae still wanted to give Finn a wide berth for a bit.  

It wasn’t so bad, she hung out more with Karim and did some yard work, helped him build that sodding bird cage contraption that he was spending so much time on. She read, wrote, watched football with Karim and helped her mum cook. It was kinda relaxing. She was a bit concerned because the ache down there had lasted longer than she had thought it would, but now it was gone.

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing_

After a few moments, she heard shuffling outside her bedroom and Karim’s tentative knock.

“Rachel. Phone.”

“Who is it?”

“Phone.”

“Yeah I know, who?”

“Phone for you.”

Rae started to feel annoyed. “I got that part, Karim.  _Who_ is it? Chloe?”

Karim was silent for a bit, then replied, “Un jeunne homme.”

 _Whatever the fuck that means._ “Alright then. Let me just… get the hell up first.”

Rae plodded to the phone and sighed before answering. It didn’t surprise her that Chloe was being persistent and Rae could already imagine whatever imaginary crisis was on her best mate’s mind now.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me, Rae.”

She froze, eyes darting around to make sure nobody could overhear this. She glanced at Karim and he smiled kindly at her and made his way to the backyard. Rae licked her lips, the butterflies in her tummy magnified by a thousand upon hearing the serious tone in Finn’s voice.

“Hey.” Oh, that was brilliant. Such a way with words she had.

“Can ya talk? It’s about the other night.”

_Dur. No shit. Is this the part where ya make me swear a blood oath never to tell a living soul that ya shagged me out of pity?_

Rae twisted the phone cord around her hand, feeling sick.

“What’s up?”

Finn was silent awhile longer. “Come to the pub tonight. Rae… I don’t know why yer hiding yaself but everyone really misses ya.”

Rae blinked owlishly. She wasn’t expecting this.

Finn continued, “I don’t… I don’t know why ya skipped out so early that morning but I hope ya didn’t feel weird about anything. Nothing has changed, Rae. I was happy to help ya with this and… I just don’t like to think yer hidin’ yaself or summat”

“I thought you might regret it, I kinda talked ya into it.” Rae felt something akin to relief as they continued speaking honestly.

“Regret?” he sounded mildly surprised, “Nah, not on my end… well, I reckon I am a mite worried about something. Why’d ya dash off? I wanted to make ya breakfast and take ya home. And did I hurt ya? Are ya feeling alright?”

Rae sighed a little at his words. “I just needed to get home Finn, and I’m fine.. physically.”

“Come out tonight, Rae. Please?”

Rae nodded and shrugged. “See ya lot there.”

———————————————————————————

The Swan.

A beacon of hope, an oasis in the desert. Rae’s home away from home. She sat around with her mates, Chloe on her left side, Chop, Izzie and Archie across from them. Only Finn was missing.

Chloe looked bored as Rae and the boys bantered about music.

“Smashing Pumpkins?”

Rae choked over her pint. “Ugh, no! Worst excuse for an American band ever. Bloody wannabes, they are. Think they’re the Cure or whatever. You know that’s what they meant when they said they were  _influenced_ by ‘em.”

“That’s harsh, Raemundo!” Chop drank and slurped his own pint loudly before wiping a hand across his face. “Bullet with Butterfly Wings is alright, no need to put down the whole band, eh?”

“Billy Corgan’s voice is fuckin’ ridiculous.”

Archie piped up, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “I agree that Corgan’s voice is an acquired taste, and I’m not knocking his talent. But Chop, there’s too many music styles just lumped together, that ruddy dream pop, metal, some rip-off of grunge-“

“Jimmie Chamberlain’s percussion aint nothin’ to sneeze at, mate.”

Rae shrugged. She didn’t get it but then again she liked what she liked and everyone else could go fuck off somewhere.

“They ran their course.” This was Rae’s final say, and she shrugged nonchalantly.

“It’s been like, what, two albums?” Chop argues, thumping his fist on the table, “Ya’ll see, in twenty years people will still be talking about ‘em!”

“If-“ Rae started to retort before Izzie squealed loudly,

“Hiya, Finn!”

Rae turned and made eye contact with the very handsome lad as he made his way to their table. He winked roguishly at her before setting himself down beside her, taking a long swig of the beer Archie had passed him.

“Alright, Finn?” Chop laughed, his eyes crinkled with mirth.

“’Suppose,” was Finn’s usual riposte. He and Rae shared another small smile and she was surprised at how at ease she felt.  _Thank fuck it’s not weird._

The gang drank heavily for several more hours, until well into the night.

Chloe hiccupped and asked Rae something.

 Rae could only blink soporifically, unable to decipher what she had said. “Ya wha’?” she slurred.

“I said where the fuck did ya get off to Sunday night?”

That sobered her up a bit, especially as she suddenly beca

me the focus of the entire group. “I- what do ya mean, Chlo?”

“Oh come on,” Chloe threw her head back, amusement in her beautiful eyes. “Izzy called ya and yer mum said that  _you_ had said ya was sleepin’ over at mine’s,” Chloe continued to eye her best friend speculatively, “’Course we both know ya wasn’t. So where did ya scurry off to?”

At Rae’s frozen silence, the table erupted in cat calls and whistles. Except for Finn, of course, who continued rolling his cigarette with uncommon interest.

Rae was a silent as a grave, but as she looked at Chloe’s calculating look, Rae knew the matter wouldn’t end there. She was too drunk to think of a good lie. Finn’s smile was crooked and bashful as they glanced at each other for a split second. Rae shrugged it off with a laugh.

“We alright?” he whispered to her, bumping into her shoulder. Rae nodded with a grin.

—————————————————————————

The next few days went very well, Rae reflected. She was getting along with the inhabitants of her house, she was making progress with Kester, and balanced her home life nicely with her mates and her visits to Tixie and Danny.

One early evening, something happened that threw Rae in for a loop.

“Finn’s on a date tonight.”

Rae gawped at Izzie who was sitting cross-legged on Rae’s bed, smiling winsomely. Chloe looked up with interest.

“A… date?” Rae asked, feeling a little unsteady.

“Yeah.”

“Ooh- with who?” Chloe gasped, jealousy flashing across her face. Rae snorted. Even if she knew Archie was gay, Chloe would be jealous of the lad. It was just her nature. Still, Rae was fond of her friend and all of her intricacies. She didn’t show it, but Chloe was complex and had many layers to her.

It was a good question, too.

“Yeah, who is she?” Rae asked breezily, looking casually around her bedroom.

Izzie leaned forward in hushed conspiracy. “Sally Crowthers!” she whispered.

There was a pregnant pause in the room as Chloe gave Rae an appalled look. “Ugh, no way!”

Rae fought the grimace that was trying to burst forth and felt her stomach sink. She actually felt sick. Why Sally? She was such a bitch. Chloe must have been thinking the same thing,

“Sally is a complete bitch who hates Rae.”

“Why?” asked Izzie, eyes wide.

Rae was embarrassed, how to explain to this innocent creature that her mum had quite a reputation around Stamford, that she had slept with Sally’s dad and hell, maybe Izzie’s dad. The whole debacle had led to the Crowther’s divorcing. They had once been friends. Once…

“Sally, Rae and I use to be really good mates years ago,” Chloe began earnestly, nodding in understanding at Rae’s stern look-  _keep my mum out of it-_ as she propped herself up on a pillow, “we use to have sleepovers and my dad would take us all to the county fair. Rae and Sally got into a bit of a tiff, actually. Sally told me to choose sides and well, that was easy, wasn’t it?”

Chloe smiled in support at Rae, but the dark haired girl looked troubled. If was more than a ruddy tiff, Sally had bloody lost it and hit Rae in the face with a school lunch tray, screaming obscenities at her about her mother.  _Your slag of a mum ruined my life!_ Rae still cringed at the memory; Sally’s wild-eyed look of fury, Chloe leaping out of her seat and shoving the blonde girl off of Rae with surprising strength, Rae’s sudden and immense feeling of absolute shame. She couldn’t even defend herself. Sally had been suspended, Rae acquired more points and whispers in the streets and school, consequently, and the former friends now pointedly avoided each other. It was difficult in a small town, of course. And now it appeared Sally had snagged herself a date with her friend.

“I’m sorry, Rae,” Izzie smiled sympathetically.

A short while later Chloe went on home and Rae was left alone with Izzie. Rae admired her friend’s fiery ringlets for a few moments, then tried reading, listening to tunes, nothing. She was restless. She was.. she was… maybe just weirded out by the whole Finn and Sally thing.

“So where are they?”

Izzie looked sideways at Rae. “Who?”

“Sally and… Finn.”

Izzie shrugged and thought hard. “To the cinema first, I heard. Finn wants to see Independence Day, last I heard Sally was asking if they could watch that one with Tom Cruise.. Jerry Maguire? Then I guess to the pub afterwards.”

Rae could feel her face turning red, her breathing getting shallow. Oh God… was she going to cry?

_Don’t do it, Rae. Don’t get jealous. Finn aint yours. Finn aint yours. It was one night and now it’s over._

“Rae…. What is it?”

Rae sat up swiftly. “Fancy a drink, mate? On me.”

“Ya don’t mean…” Izzie’s eyes were surprisingly shrewd. “Maybe it’s not a good idea, Rae. People need their space, ya know?”

Rae could feel her chest tighten again, the lump rise in her throat. She didn’t want Finn, she told herself, she just hated the thought of him with Sally. She had to see for herself.

“Izzie… if it was Chop wouldn’t ya want to see?”

The cards were on the table now. Izzie flushed beet-red.

“Oh,” she whispered, then everything clicked into place, “ _Oh.”_

The seconds went by as the friends eyed each other, Rae was testing Izzie’s mettle and Izzie was about to prove her loyalty.

“Let’s go.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sally Crowthers was alright.

Finn blew the smoke from his cigarette and watched it dissipate into the warm night air. They were walking to the pub from the cinema and Finn felt relaxed. Even though he had really wanted to watch Independence Day, he figured since he had asked Sally out she should choose. It was only polite. And Jerry Maguire had been…well….

At least they were out of the cinema now.

He turned and gave her a cheeky, flirting smile which she returned, flipping her long blonde hair over her sea-green cardigan. Her hand brushed his as they strolled and Finn thought,  _oh hell why not?,_ grasping her tiny hand in a hold. He could just feel how chuffed she was, could feel her blush radiating off her lovely face.

And she really was pleasing to look at, a heart shaped face and gleaming yellow hair that she was obviously proud of. They had had a bit of a snog while watching the film, nothing extreme or anything. She was a good kisser. It was just that… Finn kept thinking that he preferred lustrous black hair over strawberry blonde, honesty over coyness, curves over petite slenderness.

He knew that Rae had been on his mind quite a bit lately. He was fucking thrilled that everything seemed to go back to the normal routine after their… interlude? Whatever was the polite term. They laughed and joked, got into rows about music, tried to outdrink each other, the usual.

He had a strange sort of feeling, though. One that was slowly creeping up on him, the way a wave crept up and took more and more of the shoreline. He felt….unfulfilled. And it wasn’t anything to do with Rae, she had more than satisfied him that night and he knew she felt the same way, even though they didn’t have to say it. That was the problem. It was meant as a fucking favor to his mate, it shouldn’t have bloody evolved into this huge mental thing where he now stared at her lips often, or a remembered pang of pleasure would make him squeeze his eyes shut for long, distracted moments. There had been a bit of blood on his sheets the next morning, proof of Rae’s virginity and all that. He had eventually washed them by hand with cold water and soap, but not before he had traced his finger over the roughened patch endlessly as he had lain in bed… wishing she hadn’t left.

Sally stopped suddenly and kissed him quickly and pulled back, her eyes searching. “Ya alright Finn? Ya look a little put out. What ya thinkin’?”

Finn cocked his head to the side and gave her his most winning smile, anchoring an arm around her shoulders.

“Nothin’” he shrugged, then ushered her into the pub.

Finn ordered their drinks and they sat down in a booth, and Finn toyed with an uncomfortable thought. Sally looked up for it and she was well hot, maybe he should…go for it. Climb into bed with her and get the last girl he had slept with out of his mind. He needed to do  _something,_ he couldn’t keep obsessing over a memory like this, it wasn’t healthy, and he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize his friendship with Rae or the symbiotic balance of the group.

He was still thinking it over a few minutes later, in between flirting with Sally and drinking his pint when his eyes gave the smoky interior a cursory glance.

He almost choked on his lager. It was Rae and… Izzie?„, sitting at the far end of the pub.

Izzy’s posture was all wrong, she looked nervous and had the fakest smile plastered on her face. He saw her vivid red hair first, predictably. She kept grinning nervously at Rae. Rae was looking much more nonchalant, or at least she tried to give that impression. She was nursing a bottle of Foster’s and bobbing her head to the music. She glanced at him quickly and her eyes widened in alarm at finding him already watching her.

 _Oh, hey!_ he saw her mouth before she glanced at Sally and then down at her beer.

They looked dodgy was fuck.

“Finn? Finn!”

Finn blinked and stared across the table to Sally, she was frowning and looked like she was sucking on a lemon.

“S-sorry?”

She shook her head and gave a short laugh, analyzing his face. Finn felt himself shifting. He hated it when people stared at him. It was bad enough that he was now in the most awkward position ever, he hadn’t told any of the girls about his date because… maybe subconsciously he didn’t want Rae to know. But his first mistake had been telling that fucker Chop who of course ran off and told Izzie. Izzie was a radio wave for gossip she was, she didn’t mean to, of course, but there is was. She just-

“I was just wonderin’ why ya keep starin’ at Rachel Earl?”

Finn felt as if he had taken a rugby ball to the gut. He shrugged and took a drink, wiping his mouth.

“I aint starin’ at her. I just recognized them is all, they’re my mates.”

“Isn’t that little ginger’s name Isabel?”

Finn frowned, he sensed something in Sally’s tone but couldn’t quite place it.

“Yeah.”

“So…” Sally straightened and leaned back, playing with the rim of her drink. “How do ya know Rae?”

“Through Chloe.”

“Oh yeah? So what, she’s part of yer group?”

Finn was becoming very uncomfortable with the line of questioning and tried to shake it off. “So ya said ya dad lives in Brighton? Have ya gone to the beaches there, my dad says there’s one-“

Sally suddenly slammed her drink down hard, her eyes flinty. “Yeah he lives there, my parents divorced like four years ago.”

She turned suddenly to slant Rae a mocking look, raising her voice. “She’s put on so much weight I hardly even recognized her, eh?”

Finn felt anger course through him, he looked at Rae’s shocked expression then back at the blonde before him.

“Oi, don’t take the piss out of her, Sally. I mean it.”

“Do ya have any idea what her mother-”

“No and I reckon I don’t care. She’s my mate,  _like I said.”_

They had gotten loud at this point and Finn looked up abruptly, just in time to see Rae rush past their table, looking hurt and embarrassed, Izzie trailing her with a forlorn look on her. She looked uncertainly at Finn and her eyes held something accusing.

_For fuck’s sake._

“Where are ya going?” Sally asked angrily and Finn stood up and dropped some pound notes onto the table. He didn’t answer as he strode out.  _Pinch-faced bitch._

He caught up with Izzie as she was striding quickly down the street, hugging her arms to herself.

“Where’s Rae, Iz?”

—————————————————————————-

It took a while but Finn finally found Rae cutting through the park. It made him unaccountably angry, it was fucking late and she should know better than to wander around a park in the middle of the night, half drunk.

“Will ya wait?” he shouted angrily after calling her name several times. She hadn’t even turned around, just stomped her way down the tree lined path.

“Wait!” he reached her and wrapped a strong hand around her forearm. She seemed to freeze at his touch and kept her eyes on the grass.

“What are ya playin’ at, eh? What the fuck was that about?”

“Finn- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin yer date. I’m so, so sorry.”

His indignation melted into confusion and then wariness as he detected the melancholy in her voice. “Can we sit, Rae? It’s too dark and….”

Her smile was so bright in the moonlit night. “Yer always orderin’ me to sit, ya know? Tosser.”

Finn looked down at the ground and scuffed his shoes. How did she do that, he wondered. How did she make everything so… funny? Maybe funny wasn’t the right word. There was something so  _effortless_ about her. She didn’t even try hard at all and would say these little things that made his head spin.

They sat for a while in a comfortable silence, the minutes rolled by and felt like seconds. He snuck a peek at her and smiled at the sight of her, all big eyes and pouted lips; delicate skin and dark hair that glinted almost blue in the moonlight.

“I’m sorry about what Sally said.”

“Don’t be. I aint worried.”

“She shouldn’t be sayin’ stuff like that… it weren’t right. She can fuck off.”

“I aint angry, Finn. I can’t be at her. She has a right to be miffed at me and mine.”

“What? Why?”

Her silence hung between them. Finn sighed and decided not to push it. She was a closed book, she was, and it scared him how much she already meant to him. More than just their night together, he wanted to know so many things about her. They were friends, weren’t they?

Rae leaned over and kissed him suddenly and Finn jumped back as if he had been scalded. This time he was more prepared.

“No, Rae.”

“Why not?” Rae’s eyes looked even darker now somehow, with fire and fearlessness.

“You know why, Rae!”

He stood up and wiped his clammy hands on his jeans before he reached into his pocket, plucking out a cigarette. He saw that his hands shook as he lit it, and he hated himself for his weakness.

“You came to me for help,” he said calmly, “and I did help ya. Maybe it was a mistake, Rae. Because we can’t go any further. It would be me takin-“

“Advantage of me when I’m sad?” Rae suddenly shouted, standing up and facing him. “Is that what yer goin’ to say? Just save it, alright. Now, you say all these things to me, making these little noises because ya don’t want to face the fact that maybe ya do want me.”

Finn rubbed his fingers on the bridge of his nose and looked up. “Don’t, Rae.”

“Why not, it’s true. Ya could have said no that night but ya didn’t. Ok, I talked ya into it but you liked it, ya enjoyed it, I know ya did.”

Rae was suddenly inches from his face and Finn couldn’t move, couldn’t speak.

“It was the most amazing night of my life. Why should it end? We should just keep it up longer. Keep it between us, nobody has to know. Ya can teach me everything ya know, and I would do anything ya ask.”

Rae’s smile was too wide, her eyes shining again with the same brilliance as that night in his bedroom. He had been moving above her, gasping, his body on fire, and her dark eyes had shone like a lantern summoning him home. They’d stolen his words, and she was doing it again.

“No.” This time he said it as firmly as possible, crossing his arms. “No, and don’t cry. Not now.”

He grasped her arm and pushed her along gently. “I’ll walk ya home, come on.”

She didn’t say a word the rest of the way back to her house.

———————————————————————-

It was the next afternoon when Finn picked up the phone and dialed her number. He took a deep breath to steady himself, staring up at the flowered wallpaper in the kitchen of his home. She picked up after three rings.

“It’s me.”

“Sorry about the other night, Rae. I was… confused. I shouldn’t have gotten shirty with ya.”

Finn swallowed thickly and looped the phone cord around his finger nervously. Looks like she was gonna make him wriggle a bit. Fair enough, he’d been a right git to her.

He had done nothing but think about her and their  _special situation_  since the night before. He’d refused to speak to Sally when she’d rang him three times. His parents were amused but silent, sharing smiles between themselves at the oddness of it all.

“Listen, er… My parents are going out and won’t be back until late. Let me pick ya up around half six and we can come back to mine.”

“Why?” she asked shortly. “So ya can bloody lecture me?”

“No,” he said in a low voice. “Definitely not. I was thinkin’ about what ya said-“  _and wanking all night- “_ and I may have been a mite hasty. Ya know?”

He could hear her shallow breathing on the line and licked his lips, recalling the last time she had made that noise. He had felt so agonized about it, not wanting to hurt her or their friendship or have the other lads rear up over it.

 _Fuck it._ He was tired of resisting her. It freaked him out and it could all end  _very_ badly, but someone important or dead had once said that the only way to rid yourself of a temptation was to give in to it or it would become this huge thing… or something.

“Ok. I’ll be waiting for ya round half six.”

——————————————————————-

Finn slammed Rae into his dresser as his hands frantically worked her shirt. He couldn’t stop fucking kissing her, his mouth and tongue all over her skin.

“Mmm,”he moaned as his hand squeezed her breast. Yep. There it was. Her breast, so ripe and sexy. He all but ripped the gray t-shirt off her then unclasped her bra, tossing it to the ground. This was what he had wanted to do all bloody last night as he’d glided his hand up and down himself, grunting into his pillow. He pressed his face into her breasts in a hungry, red haze, dragging his tongue and raking his teeth along her nipples.

Finn couldn’t get enough of her. He didn’t think he would be able to stop. He had never felt anything like this. His palms groped their way up her body, closing over those obscenely perfect breasts and squeezing, his face still buried in her chest. He could feel his spittle all across his face and her skin but he didn’t care.

Rae gasped loudly, repeating his name over and over as she undid his trousers, searching. She finally found his warm, pulsing length and her first stroke almost brought him to his knees.

“Show me,” she panted, their foreheads pressed together, “show me how ya like it.”

So he did.

The strokes of her hand became faster and Finn sought her own warmth, blindly pulling down her jeans and knickers, hitching up her leg and tracing the wetness he so craved. It was fucking amazing. Reaching down into the back of his jeans, he pulled out a condom and wasted no time.

Finn couldn’t breathe, he swore he was about to pass out from the heat and sheer need. As his fingers worked, rubbing and stretching and probing, Rae yanked him closer, her eyes wide, and leaned back against the dresser. Finn balanced them both, then reached for her leg, draping it over his arm and opening her legs further.

Pushing into her caused Rae to choke out a moaned, keening wail that only served to further boil his blood. His fingers continued to rub her swollen clitoris as he pushed himself into her harder, faster, a guttural groan escaping his mouth as she frantically kissed him, their tongues clashing together. He was holding her hips so hard that he worried he might bruise her, but Rae didn’t seem to care. She tilted her head back, staring rigidly at the ceiling before closing them with a long drawn out moan. Finn blindly kissed her bare throat before working on the skin behind her ear, she was getting so wet and was tightening around him so hard that he winced in pain and pleasure.

Suddenly Rae’s legs gave out and she fell forward, causing Finn- who was already weak at the knees- to tumble down with her. They landed in a heap and she started to laugh breathlessly but Finn, all serious eyes and swollen lips, was already maneuvering her onto her back. He didn’t stop moving in her.

It wasn’t long before Rae came, her convulsing body and sobbing cries enough to push him over the edge himself. They stayed on the floor for a long while, their limbs too weak to move. They stared at one another and smiled into their eyes.

Worries aside, Finn knew he was going to  _really_ enjoy the rest of the summer.


	4. Chapter 4

Rae nibbled on the top of the pen distractedly as she lay down her diary. She had just finished writing down five whole pages, detailing her and Finn’s last meeting, which had occurred the previous afternoon. Finn’s dad had allowed his son to borrow his car, Finn explaining that he needed to give Chop a lift somewhere, and instead had picked her up. They had parked on the outskirts of Rutland Waters, he’d hauled her into the backseat and, well….

She was currently thinking to herself that someone should really invent a Saucy Thesaurus, because she had already exhausted every word for penis. Cock, shaft, member.. heat seeking moisture missile. How about that? Smirking, she spelled the phrase out with a flourish.

Even though they were keeping everything as secretive as possible, they found a surprising amount of time to spend together. It took a fair bit of ingenuity as well as stretching of the truth to be able to sneak about a small dump of a town, especially as teenagers. The hardest part was lying to their friends- although Finn admitted that it gave him such a fucking rush. Rae felt the same way.

They had been partaking of these mad, frenzied, hot moments for several weeks now. Summer was waning and school would begin soon and Rae felt a very gradual shift in their association. They went to discreet locations and had lunch or a pint. Talked for hours, it seemed.

He was beginning to ask a lot of probing questions. Yesterday after they had finished up in the car (and cooled down a bit) they had walked aimlessly for over an hour, maybe two. He had asked who the man was who sometimes answered the phone. Shit.

“Ya what?” she squinted at him, stalling.

“The foreign sounding bloke, doesn’t speak much English.”

“Oh, well,” she gave an artificial and nervous laugh.  _Oh yeah, that’s my mum’s illegal immigrant boyfriend who lives in the cupboard or whatever and who’s on the lam._ “That’s uh, the gardener.”  _He plows my mum._

She looked at Finn from beneath her lashes and saw he was lighting a cigarette, his gaze thoughtful. Rae realized how stupid she sounded. A gardener who answers personal phone calls? It wasn’t in Finn’s nature to pry, however, and he left the topic alone- though Rae knew him well enough now to know that he realized her response was bullshit.

Rae tossed her diary aside and lay on her back, thinking a million things and not able to focus on anything. She was restless.

—————————————————————————-

“Come on, Rae…” Finn kissed her soundly and rubbed his lips lightly on her neck, his hands rubbing concentric circles on her back and waist. Rae leaned back with a laugh.

They were alone in his house and Finn had been following her around for several minutes, playfully pleading with her to allow him to do the one act he couldn’t get out of his head. She did want to, but she was nervous to the point of stammers.

“Alright then,” he laughed, sauntering over to the couch where he lay down, gesturing for her.

Rae bit her lip, embarrassed. She couldn’t fit on there with him, could she? This was the shit nobody understood, the tiny embarrassing moments of being a big girl. You felt you died a little bit inside every day, in little ways.

Still, Rae shook it off like she normally did and slid in next to him. It was a tight squeeze but they managed.

Rae and Finn lay close together, relaxed, listening to their even breathing. She looked up at him; his eyes were closed and she (again) could not help but admire his perfection. He really was a very, very pretty boy. Even though she knew the limitation that existed between them due to their youth and her own naiveté, she still harbored a hope that he was different, that she wasn’t gazing upon an Adonis of a young man that was all style and no substance. He was outwardly surly but between the two of them he was soft and he still surprised her with his little acts of… niceness? He held her hand, asked about her health and family, listened attentively to whatever the hell was on her mind.

“What did ya want to be when ya was a kid? Like, what did ya want to be when ya grew up?” Rae whispered this, her head cushioned on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. She felt rather than saw him smile.

“Er.. I think I wanted to be Sid Vicious,” he laughed. “He was just like… like if someone had put a face on cool. Bottled it into a person.”

“He also stabbed Nancy,” Rae reminded him.

“Yeah, well, besides that. What about you?”

Rae ran a hand through the waves of her hair and thought back to those early days. There was one response she always gave when people had asked her that as a child.

“An explorer.”

Finn didn’t say anything for a while, then kissed her lips and it was the softest kiss she had ever received. As soft as a whisper and as sweet as everything in her mum’s larder. It made her insides feel like they were about to burst.

Fuck yeah.

“Ok,” she whispered, “let’s do it.”

“Huh?” he squinted.

“Come on, let’s do it!”

He sat up, eyes wide. “It?” he prodded.

Rae could swear her face had become the surface of the sun. He had been begging her for a while now to let him go down on her but she was needing a bit of coaxing. He knew she wanted to, he wouldn’t have asked her again if he truly thought it made her that uncomfortable. Chloe and she had talked about oral sex, and she had told Rae that blokes would, like, lick the alphabet onto a girl’s bits and it was the best feeling in the world. She had also confessed that Stephen had never done it to her but had expected her to service him.  _Wanker._

So far, their sexual relationship had been mainly on her terms. She wanted this and wanted to please Finn.

Rae shuffled around a bit and stripped off her jeans, sliding her knickers down in a fluid motion. She shook a bit with nerves and the chilly air of the house’s interior.

“I’ll warm ya up,” Finn promised, slowly removing Rae’s t-shirt and bra, his gaze intense.

The next few minutes felt like a lifetime as he settled her on the couch as comfortably as possible, setting one pillow behind her head and moving one leg onto the ground. He was kneeling before her, shirtless and trousers open, already unbelievably hard. Rae felt her innards twitch at seeing how thrilled he looked, breathing hard, eyes wide.

“You’ll love it,” he whispered, “and if ya don’t just grab my shoulder and I’ll stop.”

Rae shuddered in a combination of primal need and her ever present insecurity. She didn’t care about the scars anymore, but there she was, naked as the day she was born, her legs thrown wide open and all he did was stare down at her body. Not to mention the fact that she was on the damn couch in his parent’s house… they weren’t expected back until late but what if they walked in?

He placed a kiss on the softest part of the inside of her thigh, then another, closer to his goal. Their eyes met and his smile was luminous, balanced only by the searing heat of his gaze.

It was absolutely the most erotic moment of her life. How many girls in Lincolnshire could say they had Finn Nelson wanting her body so badly, begging her to let him give her as much pleasure as possible? It was obvious he had done this before, his self-assurance was relaxing but a little daunting. The last pair of legs that had been looped over his shoulder had probably been a lot skinnier, more athletic and toned.  _Ugh._

The first moment she felt his lips brush her intimately she suddenly seized up and grabbed onto his shoulder in a mindless panic. He sat up immediately.

“We can stop, Rae.”

“No, no….” she heaved a loud breath and felt tears stinging in her eyes.  _Get it together, Earl._ There was a battle in her mind, the promise of delicious pleasure versus disbelief that he would ever enjoy doing this to someone who looked like she did. She was so fat, how could he touch her thighs and kiss her down there? She was overwhelmed with the thought that he would be disgusted with her after this. Was she crazy?

_1-2-3-4-5-6… deep breaths… 1-2-3-4-5-6-7…_

He caught her chin in a firm grasp and told her that she was bloody beautiful, that he desired her more than anyone else, that his life had been a boring drag before they had met. Then he whispered against her quaking mouth that nobody could compare with her.

Rae stared at him, thunderstruck. This was something else entirely, it was a thought that had lain dormant in the back of her mind, so ridiculous that she hadn’t even written it in her diary. It sounded like something much, much more than orgasms and fingering her and sexing each other senseless.

What if?…..

Her fears seemed to lessen. She waited for another moment before laying down, smiling so much that her cheeks hurt. It was a stupid thought, it would never happen. It was best to think of the here and now so that in the future- when these summer days of lust and longing were far behind her- she could smile and remember when she had been sixteen and had lived through such incredible moments, that she had survived blood and madness to come to this.

She nodded for him to continue.

Moments later her back was arched higher than she had ever thought possible. She looked up at the ceiling and focused on the way the sunlight filtered through the curtains and danced above her. Anything but think too much of what he was doing with that hot, wet tongue and the way this incredible heat was coiling and pooling in her belly.

Finn groaned loudly, his strong hands pushing her thighs apart further before reaching down into his boxers. Her body vibrated from where he began to pump his hand up and down himself, harder than she normally did.

It felt so fucking good that Rae felt a scream rip itself through her throat, and she quickly slammed a hand over her mouth. Finn was just as fast, wrenching her hand away from her. He surfaced for only a moment, his eyes dazed and mouth and chin slick.

“No,” he moaned, “please… please let me hear ya.”

Rae couldn’t speak as he began anew, she threw her head back and let out a high pitched wail that would have shamed her in normal circumstances but now she could barely hear it herself.

He dragged his tongue up and down her quickly, concentrating on her clit which he took between his teeth. His hands jerked up and down himself and he was working himself into a frenzy, pressing his face as close as possible, his moans as loud as hers now. She could vaguely hear what she could only imagine were wet sounds his mouth was making on her. His knuckles brushed her lightly, then he went to work with his fingers. He pushed a long finger into her, crooking it inside her with a jerk.

Rae jolted as if she had been electrocuted as a spasm of excruciating pleasure seemed to rip through her. She clawed at his shoulder and he shook, raising his head up. He couldn’t seem to focus on her at all.

“What..you…do ya want me to st-”

Rae shoved his face down hard.  _Shut the fuck up._

Another minute or hour or whatever went by and Rae began to feel it… the heat was wrapping itself around her, spreading from her lower belly until even her fingertips began to jerk. He was use to her body’s signs and could read it. His hand jerked himself even harder and she could hear the movement ringing loudly in her mind, along with her blood rushing through her veins. Her leg raised higher of its own accord and Finn moved it back until she could see her knee in the air before her, her toes curling.

He bit her clit not hard but not gently either, and she came apart into a thousand pieces. Rae swore she saw fireworks behind her closed eyelids as she came, his finger inside her and tongue licking everywhere he could. The last thing she felt was Finn’s wet hand wrapping around her throat, the scent of her in the air. Finn grunted as he came on her stomach.

 Finn was gasping as he lay his back against the couch for support, Rae’s warm, trembling body soft against his head.

After a while Finn stood up, his breathing still a bit labored. He pulled his boxers and jeans up and leaned down to kiss her softly. His smile was the widest to date.

“Let me clean ya up.”

Finn left the room and came back with a wet wash cloth and proceeded to very gently scrub her belly.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. Rae shook her head mutely, still too dazed to speak.

“No, I’m sorry. Shouldn’t be shooting maself all over ya like that. Was rude.”

Rae giggled. He climbed beside her and held her against him in silence for a long time. Sometimes words were overrated.

——————————————————————————

They were finally dressed and watching the telly together, some talk show with some model and her musician boyfriend. Finn was sitting up straight, Rae laying with her head on his lap. She was tired. Tired and confused. Sex aside, wasn’t this how couples sat? Like, cuddled and shit? Well she wasn’t about to complain.

“Rae,” Finn whispered, wrapping a strand of her hair gently around his finger.

“Yeah?”

“Ya know ya can tell me stuff, right?”

That was a weird thing to say. “Yeah, I know.”

He cleared his throat. “I mean, anything at all. Just some shit I’ve been wanting to know. Just between us and all that.”

Rae looked up sharply, but he his eyes were still glued to the flickering screen.

She felt suddenly cautious, like some bloodhound that had caught the faint trace of subtle danger, somewhere nearby.

“I know,” she allowed this much.

They spoke in whispers as the hush of night approached them.

“Sometimes I can see right through ya. Like ya was made of glass. Delicate like, yeah? Other times I- I feel like there’s a wall between us. Ya clam up and change shit around. Doesn’t have to be that way, Rae.”

She sighed and sat up warily. “Finn, what are ya banging on about?”

His face was serious, brown eyes like still waters. “What really happened in France?”

Her heart sank.

“What?”

“Those scars on ya… weren’t from no accident. They’re clean cuts. Deliberate.”

Rae felt her stomach turn violently. She was gonna lose her lunch now, she knew it. This was her worst nightmare. He was catching on to her, he was working out that she was as mad as March hare and then their liaison would be finished.

“Finn-“

Rae suddenly caught the unmistakable sound of a key turning in the front lock. She jumped up and away from him as they exchanged startled glances.

_Fuck me, oh fuck. His parents._

She had briefly seen Finn’s dad once on the front lawn, never the mother, and they had yet to see her. Here they were back home bloody early after their son and some random girl had defiled their couch.

“Alright, love?” Finn’s mum smiled at the two and her eyes were dancing with curiosity. Rae’s heart fluttered. She was extremely pretty, slender, elegant. Finn definitely favored her in looks and coloring. The father had shaggy hair and a gregarious disposition, and he had the same impish look Finn sometimes wore.

Finn’s parents approached the mute teenagers and introduced themselves to Rae. Elizabeth and Frank. Even their names sounded perfect- probably short for Francis or something fucking posh like that.

“Mum, Dad,” Finn stood awkwardly and cleared his throat, “I thought you were—anyway this is Rae.” He smiled encouragingly down at her.

Rae stood up faster than she had in years.

“I’m Rae Earl, I’m please to meet ya.” They shook hands, the parents still with pleasant smiles on their faces.

“Finn has told us about ya, Rae. Even his Nan has been asking about ya!”

_Ok. Weird._

From the corner of her eye she saw Finn wince.

“Anything on the telly?” Frank Nelson asked brightly as he helped his wife take off her coat.

“Doctor Who is about to come on,” Finn shrugged.

And before she knew it, all four were squashed together on the couch, making the most awkward small talk ever known to man.

Rae wished for the floor to open up and swallow her whole. Not half an hour ago Finn had her naked on here, his tongue all up in her guts. Rae felt herself reddening in mortification, trying to think of ways to remove herself from this den of perfect people and their happy home life.

The interrogation began later than she had thought it would, but it came.

Fifteen minutes into the episode of the traveling time lord and Rae was sipping on a cup of Finn’s dad’s “famous” cider-

“So, how long have you and Finn known each other?” First question, the honor went to Elizabeth Nelson.

Finn cut in quickly, “A few weeks… actually I reckon close to two months.”

Frank smiled at Rae, “Yer the first lass he brought home like this. Mostly he take his girlfriends straight upstairs.”

Finn spit his drink out and began to cough, face bright red. Rae could only gawp. There were so many fucking things wrong with that sentence that it wasn’t even funny.

Elizabeth threw her husband a chastising look, eyes wide. “Frank! Rae, what he meant was-“

Finn’s dad looked supremely embarrassed and opened his mouth quickly, but Rae beat him to the punch.

“Finn and I aren’t dating, we’re mates.”

She looked at Finn for support but he was staring at his hands, lost in thought. She couldn’t help but resent him in that moment—thinking how many girls he had taken up into his room and copped off with.  _Rachel Earl, check._

It didn’t end there, either. She learned over the next hour that Frank Nelson was truly a remarkably kind man, just monumentally oblivious. He somehow managed to ask _all_ the wrong questions-  _oi, Finn once mentioned you were in France, what part? Did ya try the wine? What does ya dad do? Oh, where do ya live- no I mean exactly where?_ – yes I live in  fucking council house-  _so yer mum… Linda Earl? Oh yes, yes of course._

Rae’s hands were shaking badly at this point.  _Yeah, I’m sure you’ve heard of my mum. I would bet my life on that._

Rae stood up abruptly and Finn looked extremely anxious.

“Ya alright, Rae?”

“Yeah. It was great meeting ya both, thank ya for the cider but I’ve got to get on home.”

Finn stood quickly, scanning her face, looking pale. “I’ll give ya a lift.’

“No, it’s ok.”

“Come on, Rae-”

Rae grit her teeth. “Finn,” she managed to say, “I know my own way and I would rather walk, yeah?”

The parents now stood in unison, declaring they were headed upstairs. Elizabeth’s smile was soft as she gave Rae a brief hug, telling her to take care and to come round for tea sometime during the week. Rae couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough.

“I’d… I’d love to.”

Elizabeth Nelson clapped her hands happily, Frank beaming at his wife.

“It will just be a few of my friends and their daughters, we meet for tea a few times a month.”

Rae stalked outside a few minutes later, ignoring Finn as he tried to pull her aside. She made it as far as the street corner before her shoulders began to shake with the effort not to cry.

She would never be Finn’s girlfriend. Just the thought of it had made him look someone had stuck a red hot poker right in the arse. How could she have tea with his- ok, nice but poncey mum?

No way. It was all so embarrassing.

Once home, Rae scurried upstairs and opened her diary-

_I can’t do this anymore with Finn, diary. I’m in too deep. It’s done._


	5. Chapter 5

The naked mad dashes.

Everyone made those embarrassing trips at least a few times in their lives. Maybe you were alone at home, were done showering, and realized you had left your towel on the bed. You calculated the distance, kept telling yourself it was safe, nobody was home and-

Naked mad dash.

Once, he’d been invited to Janie Foster’s home. She lived down on Clairmont which was a really  posh street- posh for bloody stupid Stamford- and she’d invited him up to her parent’s bedroom. He hadn’t really wanted to, thought it was creepy and rude to invade her parent’s space like that but he’d finally relented, hopped into bed with the pretty brunette and they’d gotten down to business very quickly.

Until her dad came home from work early, that is.

Naked mad dash had taken on a new meaning as he’d dressed himself as fast as humanly possible and leaped out the bedroom window, ignoring Janie’s frantic apologies. He’d sprained his ankle and had to miss days of school.

_Naked mad humiliating limping dash._

Finn was remembering all of this as he scoured his mother’s book collection that she kept piled on the windowsill of her bedroom. It was here that she kept her favorite poetry books; Sexton, Pound, Dickinson, Angelou…

Finn’s hands stilled as he picked up one volume _._  It was worn and dog-eared and Finn had noticed his mum reading this same book many, many times throughout her life. Some bloke named Neruda and sometimes she would even, like, tear up. Finn wasn’t much of a reader and so couldn’t fathom anything in print causing him to choke up, but he was desperate.

He took a deep breath and listened to his parents chat and laugh in the kitchen, calculated the distance and opened their bedroom door to peek outside. He wasn’t nude, and he only held a stupid book but…

Naked mad dash.

————————————————————-

A few hours later Finn was still poring over the poetry book, crumpled and ripped sheets of paper littered around his bedroom. He bunched his hair into his fist as he glanced out of his window, he heart beating hot and heavy.

It hurt. Every molecule in him seemed to burn with an intensity he hadn’t even thought possible.

The downward spiral had begun the night after Rae had met his parents. When his parents had walked into the house, Finn knew something was going to alter drastically. He knew this because Rae had changed so astoundingly fast that he had spent the next hour or so fighting the sinking feeling in his stomach. He could  _feel_ her frustration and embarrassment oozing out of her pores and he felt frozen. He should have done something, should have followed her home and insisted they talk. Instead, he had let her walk out into the night and he thought it was better if she cooled off and had a night or so to herself.

Instead, she had cut him out. At first he was more pissed off than anything else; so what, his ruddy parents made some stupid comments about them? That didn’t change anything. So his dad was a dingbat and called Rae his girlfriend, no reason for alarm. Finn couldn’t very well turn to his dad and riposte, “actually, we’re fucking. I hope that couch didn’t belong to your long-lost parents or something.”

It hadn’t been easy for him either, being called Rae’s boyfriend. Everything in his life had gone topsy-turvy in a few short months. He’d wanted… he’d wanted….  _More._

He had tried calling Rae the next day but had been unable to reach her. First, she’d been at some appointment and her mum hadn’t elaborated. Then the “gardener” answered and kept babbling in French or Spanish or something and Finn slammed the phone down after a few aggravating seconds. His third attempt was also useless as her mother had curtly told him Rae was grounded and had even lost phone privileges for screaming “bollocks to that!” when her mum had asked her to fold the laundry.

By the third day Finn had exploded in anger at his own parents, because they mentioned Rae.

Instead of listening to them he made his way to her house on his scooter and ran up to the front door. He knocked politely at first then with increasing urgency. Her mum’s car wasn’t there but he knew Rae was there. He could feel her inside the house and he could sense her presence behind the door.

Finn had leaned his head against the door. “Rae, open up.” It was just above a whisper.

“Let’s just… talk about this. I’m sorry my parents freaked ya out.”

Finn had waited another full minute before straightening with a sigh, bumping his helmet against his thigh absently. Fuck. Fuck.  _Fuck._

When he got home the phone was already ringing.

Rae, true to form, kept it straight and to the point. It had been a great time but it was time to end it. Sorry for being distant but she was, like, busy. This needed to end before it spiraled out of control. She had said one thing that was very telling, however.

_I just need to end this now before you end it with me because….I’m not as strong as you are._

Finn had kept silent throughout her fucking monologue, because he knew he would yell if he opened his mouth.

_Say something, Finn. Tell me I’m not hot enough for ya anyway. I don’t know why you’re so bloody quiet. We both know it didn’t mean anything! In my heart you’re still my friend-_

Finn had laughed. “Heart?” he’d asked incredulously, eyes narrowed. He hung up before she could answer. He knew he had stunned her into silence.

That had been almost a week ago.

Finn had spent the following days moping about, listening to music, ignoring his mates and his parents. He couldn’t face them because he didn’t want to hear anything from the outside world. He didn’t want words of condolences, didn’t want to hear what he already knew. That his feelings for Rachel Earl ran deeper than he ever imagined. Everything was wrong without Rae in the picture. His hands actually ached to touch her. He missed everything about her, her smile, her cleverness; he missed her gruff kindness and the way she fit with him so perfectly. He had never felt this hurt before.

It reminded him of this comic he had read as a kid about a Soviet cosmonaut in space whose ship had malfunctioned, turning the oxygen onboard to fire. Cooked his lungs within seconds. Ok, maybe that was pushing it but he had never felt this excruciating pain, centered in his left ribcage. She wouldn’t even leave his dreams alone.

Here he was, trying to find some words, some order to the mayhem that was his life. All he knew was that he wanted her back. Back in his arms, back in his bed, and he wanted her hand to be in his when they walked around town. What they had was bloody over alright…. They were about to embark on something even better.

Rae was going to be his girlfriend. She could kick and scream all she wanted but she constantly twisted his arm to get her way and now was his turn. The blindfold had been lifted from his eyes and soon they would from hers.

He wanted to be with her, he was tired of hiding her like she was some shameful secret. It wasn’t like that. She seemed to be embarrassed of being seen with him. He would fix everything in due time but first…

The poems. He was desperate enough to try winning her back with this drivel that always made his mum cry but so far everything he read was making him want to fucking hurl.

_The Cuban blue of midnight is your color,_

_naked, I trace stars and tendrils in your skin;_

_naked, you stand tawny and tremendous,_

_a summer’s wholeness in cathedral gold._

His mouth softened a little at that paragraph. He sort of… got it. He didn’t think that in terms of words but he often felt the same way, that Rae’s flesh took his breath away. Maybe there was something to this crap-

“I don’t ruddy believe this!”

His dad was suddenly in his bedroom, standing behind him, agog at what he was witnessing.

Finn turned bright red. “Dad! Get out-“

His dad shook his head, his untamed locks whipping about. “Poetry? That’s yer plan to seduce the lass again?  _Poetry?_ Is there going to be a trail of delicate rose petals leading to yer bloody bedroom as well?”

Finn stood up and bellowed “That aint yer business anyway! You and mum scared her off!”

The older man looked agitated as he eyed up his infuriated son. He ignored the last sentence. “Many women like poems and flowers and pretty rainbows. Ya think yer Rae is one of ‘em? Eh? She likes loud music! She drinks pints and her voice is heard, she makes damn sure of it. Ya said so yerself, lad. Woo her the right way.”

Finn felt defeated; of course he knew Rae wasn’t no Chloe or Sally. His dad just didn’t understand what a challenge Rae was. Taking her virginity had been the easy part, memorizing her body, her noises had been a piece of cake. Snagging her for real was proving to be problematic. She was a bundle of contradictions and she was practically sagging with whatever secrets she had that she guarded so jealously.

“I don’t know how,” he muttered.

“Yes, ya do. Ya know her. What does she like more than anything else? Use that to yer advantage.”

His dad left after giving his son another glare, nodding cryptically to his record collection.

Finn stared after him, lost in thought.

————————————————————-

Finn’s patience had reached its limit several days later. He had tried to “woo” Rae per his Dad; had called her and even left a pretty great mix tape for her in her Mum’s care- she didn’t fucking thank him for wasting his time on that. Mix tapes were personal, music was so personal. She knew that, she had to. The first track had been “TV Movie” by Pulp and he found it totally explained what he felt better than he could have.

Fuck it. This was getting him nowhere, not to mention it was damn humiliating. What was wrong with him? What scared her off so badly? He knew he wasn’t a slouch in the looks department, he made sure to get her off properly, he tried to do right by her.

He made his way to the Swan in the early hours of the evening-he knew Rae was going to be there and refused to let that fact ruin his evening.

 _Showtime,_ Finn thought as he walked into the dark and smoky pub, a fixed grin on his face as he approached his table of friends.

“Alright lads, girls.. Rae.”

She flinched at his word choice and pulled awkwardly at her maroon t-shirt. She watched in surprise as he loudly dragged a chair from another table and set it down beside her. He sat down very close to her and smiled winsomely at his mates. They didn’t notice anything was amiss and so carried on the thread of conversation after greeting him warmly.

Rae was acting all skittish around him.  _Tough shit._

The night dragged on and Finn drank more than he had in a good bit. The curling smoke of his cigarette mingled with the air above and he watched it with dark, hooded eyes. He was becoming so soused that he was having trouble seeing straight. His limbs were heavy, his veins seemed filled with some heady wine and as the minutes rolled by he found himself scowling at the girl beside him.

“What’s up, Finn” slurred Chloe, leaning across the table to whack him on the shoulder, “Why are ya…. Why are ya starin’ at Rae like that, ya git?”

She was drunk and slobbering all over him.

“Oi!” Chop leaned over excitedly, “my brother spent the night with Jenna Fritz.”

“That muppet?” Chloe answered dismissively, flipping her hair with an eye roll. Finn scowled; he didn’t fancy hearing Choe bang on about whatever random bird she was jealous of at the moment.

Chop chortled happily, “Yeah, I reckon it weren’t to his likin’. Says she takes forever.”

“Takes forever to what?” Rae asked, perplexed. She set her glass down with exaggerated precision. How many had she had, Finn wondered.

“To finish last on HeroQuest,” Chop drawled sarcastically.

“Ya what?” she leaned forward unsteadily.

“To come!”

“Oh…” Rae looked flustered and shook her head. “Well, not our business, eh?”

The group begged to differ and began an animated discussion on the topic. Finn wondered if all teenagers discussed orgasms as much as his mates did. He looked at Rae who was now eagerly giving her opinion.

“Yeah, Rae don’t need help with that,” Finn said sourly, “She comes with thunder, like you, mate.”

At the table’s sudden and stark silence Finn felt that he had crossed an invisible line with Rae. He glanced quickly at her and she looked absolutely mortified- red faced and then furious.

Storm clouds gathered in her eyes as she furiously opened her mouth.

“You fucked up- you –  _wanker!_ ”

“Whoa! Everyone just..relax!” Archie exclaimed, leaning back. He looked concerned, eyes darting from Rae to Finn.

Chloe gave a nervous giggle. “What does he.. Rae, what?-“

Finn exploded.

He slammed his glass down with tremendous force and the table shook, causing a chorus of shouts from his friends.

“I don’t care, alright? I don’t bloody care what any of ya think so piss off!” In the back of his mind Finn knew that he should have stopped talking by now, but some mysterious force wouldn’t let him. All of the anger and hurt he had been carrying around him spilled forth in a torrent of angry words. He couldn’t control his rage at the moment any more than he could control all the desire he felt for the unfeeling girl by his side.

She eyed him warily, as a rabbit would eye a hawk. Her eyes still glittered with anger but there was something cautious behind it.

“I don’t care if anyone knows it,” he swiveled around to face Rae, “ya think ya can just treat me like shit, and then walk away?”

“Finn,” she said through set teeth, “let’s talk about this later.”

“Actually, no,” he retorted, hand clenching, “since ya do nothing but ignore me these days. Let’s talk about this now. Why are ya ignorin’ me? What changed?”

“Finn, are ya sayin’ that you and Rae-“ Chloe’s hazel eyes were huge. He ignored her.

“Everythin’ has changed!” Rae shot back and her voice was shrill. Her gaze was tremulous, wounded, and her voice came out in gasps. “I didn’t think it would go this far!”

“Well ya was more than happy when ya was climbin’ into my damn bed!”

Archie reared up, looking completely insulted. “Finn, shut up and don’t talk to her like that! She’s right, take this somewhere else.”

Finn was too far gone into his anger to pay Archie’s words any real mind, instead he focused on the boy himself.

“Did I ask ya for ya opinion, arsehole? Why don’t ya go fuck off somewhere, mate. She’s gonna answer me tonight.”

Rae looked about ready to burst into tears at this point. Chloe still had that look of unguarded surprise-  _bitch,_ thought Finn- while the lads were looking seriously at each other in silent communication. Izzy had taken on the role of oh-so-caring friend and was holding Rae’s limp hand from across the table.

Chloe wasn’t through yet, and the alcohol had apparently loosened her tongue. “I just don’t get it. I mean, first Archie, now you?”

Finn whipped his head around to snarl at the other girl and for a moment he just saw red.

He never had a chance to reply to Chloe, because Rae beat him to the punch.

“No, it’s ok,” Rae said calmly, blinking rapidly. “She’s right. Whatever ya think ya feel, Finn, is wrong. Ya only think ya feel something for me, something bigger than the two of us. We’ve gotten close, but that’s just some fucking weird side effect of sex.”

“No, Rae.”

She nodded firmly. “It is. Would ya ever have felt anythin’ for me if I hadn’t pretty much begged ya to take my virginity? Sex is sex. It’s fun, its hot, we give each other orgasms and then afterward we feel close and… and safe. And free. But I’m not free, Finn. Not really.”

Finn didn’t even give a shit about the others listening in at this point. He grasped her hand tightly in his and felt it was a life link. He could feel her blood running through her veins, her heartbeat thrumming within her. He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t understand any of this.

“You’re free with me, Rae. I promise. Whatever you’re fightin’, I can help.”

He noticed with a pang that she had started to cry. In a weird way he felt a slight relief, because it proved that she felt something, no matter how small.

She took a moment to respond. “I… there’s nothin’ ya can help me with. Ya gotta think of us outside of those moments. How long before some tosser takes the piss out of me and ya bloody pound his face in? How many girls will say stupid shit? I can handle it, I’m use to it. I’m just a blob. But not you, Finn. Ya deserve to be with someone.. with someone whole.”

“You  _are_ whole!” Finn felt his despair rise again, a tide gushing over him and leaving him cold. “You’re… you’re perfect-“

Rae stood up abruptly. Her face was a cringing rictus of misery and he stood up with her, refusing to let go of her hand. “Not funny, Nelson.” She made to pull apart from him.

“Let go.”

“Rae, please-“

“Let go.”

“Rae if ya just give me a chance, just one  _bloody fuckin’ chance-“_

Finn was dimly aware of a group of sixth formers in the table across from them also going as silent as his friends, watching with wide, speculative eyes the spectacle that was occurring. He must have gotten pretty loud.

He finally let go, watching as Rae stumbled to the entrance and took off into the night, Izzy and Chloe hot on her heels.

——————————————————————

Finn did not linger at the Swan, to say the least. He ignored Chop and Archie as he meandered his way to the entrance of the pub, side-stepping everyone in his path. He could sense many, many curious eyes on him, even the barman.  _Big hell in a small town,_ he thought numbly. Within the next few days the gossip would start to reach people in whispers.

He even caught snatches of it as he was walking briskly out-

_“Her? Are ya serious?-“_

_“Yeah, Rae Earl-“_

_“Thought he was with Julia, or was that last year? She’s nicely made. Rae Earl, though…”_

Fuck everyone.

The walk home was the longest, loneliest of his life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ——————————————————————-
> 
> There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion.
> 
> -Sir Francis Bacon
> 
> ——————————————————————-

“Rae?”

She peeked her swollen eyes up at her therapist, attempting a bland smile. The question he had asked and that she had failed to answer was doing pirouettes in her mind. Her therapist knew her only too well- it was uncanny how only from one word he could decipher her most hidden thoughts, how he could drag them out, and her, unwilling as she was, could not hide behind a facade or sarcasm or loud music. Not in this room, and not in sitting in front of this man.

“What about Finn?” she asked with a sigh, deciding that for shits and giggles to prolong the inevitable.

Kester paused for long seconds, taking a deep drag of his cigarette as he eyed her sharply.

Rae hated that look. The same was she hated the way he scratched that big, floppy ear of his.  _Arsehole._

“Rae-”

“ _What?”_

Kester leaned back, his hands palm up in a gesture of surrender. Regardless, Rae knew he was gauging every sodding movement she made, the inflection of her voice, the depth of her eyes. Some days her sessions were terrible. She hated feeling this exposed in front of someone. It was almost like… like with Finn except obviously Rae would never fuck this annoying, bald headed know-it-all. At least with Finn she had been safe in herself, surrounded by her secrets. Not with ol’ Kester Gil. He peeled her layers off metaphorically and sat back while she took a good look at herself.

And she hated what she saw.

Kester, for his part, must have picked up on the mood of the quivering, ticking time-bomb that was his brooding patient. He had told Rae that he viewed sessions with her as challenge, one to conquer with patience and understanding.

“Your mum rang me,” Kester murmured in a low, practiced voice. “She says you’re having… boy problems.”

He almost flinched as the girl looked up mutinously, hands clenching into her faded jeans.

“What the bloody hell is that cow doing ringin’  _you_ and tellin’ ya  _my_ fuckin’ business?” Rae shouted, livid, red faced in her ire. This was good, this was what she needed. She needed to feel something other than this relentless sorrow, this maddening grief that threatened to topple her over and overtake her, the same way as it had been in the spring.

“Rae,” he said with insufferable patience, “your mother’s sole concern is your mental health. I know that’s hard for you to understand, I know you assume your privacy is being invaded, but let me assure you that’s not the case.”

“She-”

Kester cut her off neatly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The silence between them was thick and heavy and dark. Rae squinted at the window, feeling her eyes continue with their relentless stinging.

“No.”

She heard Kester lean back with a slight sigh. “Ok, Rae. That’s fine. I’m not here to push you in any way or make you uncomfortable. How about we-”

“So why are ya here?”

The man blinked slowly, his gaze assessing. “Why do you think I’m here with you?”

“Don’t do that bloody mind…thing. Just answer me, eh? Why are ya here? Isn’t the truth that yer being paid to give a shit, to fake everything?”

“Fake? Rae…” he balanced his elbows on his knees, “In the very least, believe me when I say that my own concern for you is most assuredly real.”

“Why did ya choose to be work with teens anyway?” Rae groused, somewhat mollified. “Don’t they pay more for adults?”

Kester considered the question carefully as he lit a cigarette. Scratching his ear, he leaned back with an artless shrug. Rae’s scowl deepened. His ears looked like fucking windmills.

“Don’t know too much about the financial aspect of it all, Rae. I chose this particular field because I wanted to help children.”

“I’m not a-”

“To help young adults,” he caught himself smoothly. “I’m interested in the well being of adolescents because I know what a trying time it is.”

“Oh, yeah?” asked Rae, toying with the hem of her shirt, feeling bored and maybe a little incredulous. She knew from experience that she had at least twenty more minutes. “How do ya…never mind.”

Kester leaned in, that ingratiating smile plastered on his face. It was too wide and taut, and fixed, like dough that had settled this way. Rae smiled at the thought.

“What it is, Rae?”

“Nothin’”

“Nothin’ at all on your mind, then?”

“Nope.”

“Hmm…” He looked vaguely disappointed as he sat back and Rae thought she saw a hint of sadness and all of a sudden she felt guilty. She could be a right bitch sometimes, she knew this. Maybe she could talk a bit about shit, throw him off in a nice way. Must be hell listening to bloody stupid teenagers all day.

“I don’t know, Kester,” she said airily,” Reckon I’m just…disinclined.” Rae liked that word and she liked flaunting her impressive vocabulary.

“Are you?”

“I’m ill-disposed.” She explained loftily with a fluttery hand gesture.

“I see.”

“You could almost say I am  _averse_ to this conversation.”

His dark eyes sharpened almost imperceptibly and Rae wanted to slap herself silly. She shouldn’t have said that. Averse implied something.

“Should we talk about why you are avoiding any type of meaningful conversation today? Perhaps we can address some of my concerns and, together, see why you are deflecting certain issues.”

“Right well maybe I don’t bloody think I am. And what’s deflectin’?”

Kester’s smile was placating as he got up to rummage through his book pile. Within seconds he was gently handing Rae a worn, dog-eared volume that had a black and white picture of an old, stately man on the back. Sigmund Freud, the front cover read. Despite herself, Rae was intrigued.

“Isn’t this the bloke who said somethin’ about boys wanting to ya-know-what their mums?”

Kester laughed soundly. “Indeed. That children unconsciously wish to sexually possess the parent of the opposite sex. A scandalous theory in psychoanalysis, it is! But what I was referring to just moments ago was…” Kester seemed to hesitate and Rae frowned, as she didn’t respect idleness with words.

“Just say it.”

“Sometimes, Rae, in the face of traumatic events, most especially in the case of the young, some people develop coping mechanisms. It’s purely on an unconscious level, mind you, and it’s a psychological reflex to deny or even manipulate some painful reality.”

Rae nibbled on her thumb pensively. “Like… my eating?” She added quietly.

“Binge eating is a coping mechanism as well and it is not uncommon. But what I am referring to is your ability to  _deflect_ painful topics by generally using humor, wittiness, terseness, and so forth. Years ago, when I was first starting out in this profession, I treated a young girl who had such terrible self-esteem that she conditioned herself into becoming everyone’s best friend. She could not say no. She was so submissive to everyone in her school, because of her overwhelming anxiety that someone would ridicule her. This of course, made her more unhappy over time.”

Rae cocked her head to the side and gave brittle little grin.

“She was fat.” It wasn’t a question.

Kester linked his fingers together. “She was unhappy with herself and sought approval and acceptance from her peers in order to validate herself.” he corrected calmly.

“Because she was fat. I’m sure she was a lovely person and all that, but she was a big girl and acted like everyone’s doormat so people wouldn’t take the mickey out of her. She smiled and laughed when she didn’t want to. She did their homework and projects. Didn’t stand up.She only said nice, dumb things to everyone, and she was sick of it.”

Sometimes the sessions went like this, a pissing contest between their two minds. Would he relent or not even give her this? After all, she knew the desperation of wanting to be liked that badly. The only thing is she had her music and books at the end of the day, and besides everyone could go fuck themselves and she wouldn’t kiss the arses of the Green Lane Gang for any reason. She  _was_ that girl from his story, just on the opposite side of the spectrum.

Kester stubbed his cigarette and scratched that ear again before replying, “Perhaps you should consider my field when I comes time to choosing a career. I have often noticed your astuteness, Rae.”

Rae felt a squirm of vainglorious exultation. In that moment, the little eight year old Rae popped up behind her shoulder and Rae could almost hear her whisper, “Ya see, yer still brilliant.”

It was crowning, gloating feeling that gave Rae an extra boost of nerve.

“I agree. I can do what ya do. In fact- trade places with me.”

“What?”

She rose up with a skip in her step. “Yeah, ya heard me. Switch. I’m going to ask ya some questions and get inside that shiny head of yers, Mr. Kester Gil.”

The older man shrugged, wiping his hands on his trousers. He looked perplexed and maybe a little amused but Rae was jubilant. Now to crawl into his head like an little insect, see how he liked it.

Rae Earl-1. Sigmund Freud-0.

————————————————————————————

The day was crisp and warm, something one tended to notice in England as summer was waning and the start of the school term was only days away. Finn kicked a stray book on music theory across the floor of his bedroom as he made his way to his bed. Where had he gotten that book?…. Oh, yeah- Chopper had borrowed it from the library and loaned it to Finn who had then forgotten about it about a year before. The reason he remembered it now was because he had been supremely surprised that his friend had ever hit up a library or bookstore.

The hall outside was quiet and for that Finn was thankful. It was the middle of the afternoon on a Friday and he knew his mum’s weird friends and some of their daughters were there having tea and cakes and he was avoiding the downstairs like the plague. He knew everyone was use to it by now, his mum had long ago desisted in her attempts to have her son join the biddies downstairs and their daughters, none of whom struck his interest.

Minutes came and went and Finn was debating whether to sneak into the kitchen all Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible like when the door creaked open and a slender figure trotted in.

Finn’s head whipped around and-  _Oh god. It’s her._

Sally Crowthers expertly flipped her satiny flaxen hair as she inched closer. Her lips pouted.

“Oh, sorry. I was lookin’ for the toilet and-”

“Got lost, did ya?” Finn muttered, sitting up with a scowl.  _Holy hell, the girl just can’t take a hint._ Actually it was more of a flat out no, the last time she had called to ask him to meet up and finish their date. What part of  _no_ didn’t she understand, Finn wondered? The N or the O?

“Well, not really,” Sally gave a dimpled smile and giggled. “Just wanted to talk. Me mum and yers are old friend and they have tea sometimes.”

“Yes, I know that.” Finn countered sneeringly. “For like ten years now, Sally.”

Her face fell and Finn felt, for the first time, just a little bad. Honestly it wasn’t all Sally. He had been acting like a complete prick to everyone for a while now, ever since-

Finn looked down and concentrated on other thoughts. Not for long, however, as Sally sat down on his bed and sidled closer to him.  _Nope._

Finn arose and stretched, feigning a yawn. “Oi, I’m knackered. Didn’t sleep much and…” Finn trailed off at that. It was true.

He sat down on the chair by his desk, tapping his foot. Sneaking a look at Sally, he saw she was pink faced with ire. He didn’t want to sit there with her all cozy like. He knew by now that Rae was a lost cause, but he didn’t feel he was over her just yet. The sharp, gut twisting agony had melting into something a bit more manageable. A dull ache where the girl had knived him between the ribs.Not really, but ya know. It still hurt. Bollocks. And besides, Sally had called Rae fat to her face. Fuck her.

Sally spoke up after an uncomfortable silence. “Ya think ya can do better than me?”

“Jesus, Sally! Give over already!”

Her pretty features twisted unpleasantly. “Chubby chaser. That’s what they say about ya.”

Finn sputtered, thrown by that spiteful comment. If it had been a lad saying that to him, the fucker would have been picking up his teeth from the floor right about now.

“Yer mental, ya are. Barkin’. Can ya get out of here?”

“Why her?” Sally’s voiced raised several octaves. “Ya don’t know what yer doin’. The Earl family is rotten, the lot of ‘em-”

“What  _lot?_ ” Finn near shouted. “It’s just her and her mum since her loser dad left. What do ya know, anyway?”

She sat up, seething, her hands bunching into his duvet. “I know her mum is a minger who keeps a foreigner in her house. Like a….” she struggled to articulate. “Like a sex object. Like a slave. She pays him. He’s young and fit and they even kiss.” Sally shuddered.

Finn threw his head back and laughed. “Come off it. Yer saying Mrs. Earl is trafficking sex slaves? Sod off.”

“It’s true! Why do you think she can’t hardly ever have friends over?”

Finn shook his head doggedly. “That’s the gardener.”

Sally scoffed and threw him a disdainful look. “Now who’s mental? Is that what Rae said? She would say that, she almost defends her slag mum.”

“Will ya stop calling Mrs. Earl names?” Now Finn did shout. It was too much. He didn’t need the added stressed of this obsessive girl watching his every move and digging up dirt on Rae.

Sally gave a loud sniff and within seconds drops of tears were streaming down her face.

Not the tears, thought Finn with a wince. He couldn’t stand that. Before he knew it, Finn was wringing his hands and rubbing his forearm.

“Don’t cry, Sally. Come on. I’ll make ya some tea, yeah? Or maybe bring up yer mum?”

“No!” she wailed, burying her face in her hands. “Ya don’t understand. Rae and her mum ruined my life. When we were little. Me dad had an affair with Rae’s mum. He got with that slag and my parents divorced because of it. He just left.” She was rambling now, Finn thought with discomfort.

“He left us and moved to bloody Brighton and we lost the house and mum, it broke her heart. It was their fault!”

_That explains a lot._ Still, while the story was sad, Finn didn’t think it was fair to blame any of on Rae who had only been a child at the time, Sally had said.

“How old were you?”

Sally gulped and looked up, mopping at her runny eyes. “Thanks for offering me a hankerchief, by the way, Finn.”

His face burned. Yeah, he should have but well, he hadn’t. Finn was shit with emotions.

“I don’t bloody remember. We were eleven or twelve.”

“I’m sorry, I am. I really mean it, Sally. I know yer messed up about yer dad leavin’, but why do ya hate Rae? It weren’t her fault, either. She was a kid. It was the adults who fucked up.”

“Don’t defend her.” Sally was beginning to look irritated again. “We don’t like each other, and Chloe’s a bitch, too. She got between us one day when me and Rae were trying to sort it out.”

“Sort it out? Like talk?”

“Like I hit her in the face with a tray and Chloe walloped me.” Sally shrugged.

“Jesus, Sally. What the fuck is wrong with ya? Did ya hurt Rae?”

“Can’t ya see how hurt I was?”

Finn threw his hands up in the universal gesture of frustration. “Yes! I fuckin’ do. It’s just to be honest I don’t understand half this shit. Why would ya hit a twelve year old?”

“I was twelve, too!” Sally pointed out petulantly. “And alright, I lost me bloody temper at the pub that day when we had our date. But imagine it. I really like ya, and there I see ya makin’ eyes at Rae Bloody Earl right in front of me! Of all the girls out there, ya walked out on me because of  _her._ Why can’t ya understand?”

Finn grimaced because now he did understand, at least a bit more. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together. Rae’s secrecy, her surreptitiousness regarding her mum, the weird gardener, her inability to condemn Sally.

His silence seemed to goad Sally into further supplication. “Don’t ya see? Ya just can’t be serious about Rae Earl. Everyone thinks yer, like, in love with her or somethin’.” Sally giggled at the thought. “They’re saying ya were beggin’ her on bended knee to go out with ya.”

Finn stood up straighter. “Why is that funny?”

“Well-”

“Ya think she’s a laugh? She’s not.”

Sally looked completely non-plussed. “I aint takin’ the piss. Mum says I’m not to be rude to Mrs. Earl or Rae regardless. I’m fine with just ignorin’ her. I just think it’s funny what people are sayin’.”

“It’s not funny, it’s true.”

Sally looked at Finn a look of complete incomprehension. “What?”

“I said, it’s not funny because it’s true what they’re saying. Rae and I had started somethin’ up and she broke it off and I wanted her to be my girlfriend. That’s what those wankers heard that night at the Swan.”

Sally blinked once, then twice. “Yer jokin’, right? Ya can’t mean that. Next ya’ll be telling me that the two of ya had sex.”

The silence between them hung as heavy as an impermeable fog. Finn turned on his heels and stomped to the door.

“Whatever. I’m goin’ downstairs.”

Wrenching the door handle, Finn swung the door in a wide arc as he exited in a huff-

And crashed head on with his dad who had either been lingering as he about to knock or had been eavesdropping. Finn suspected the latter.  _Fuck._

Frank Earl combed his fingers through his unkempt hair and affected a startled and innocent look. He gasped theatrically, “Son! I was about ta knock- Yer mum needs ya, and lass, yer mum was wondering if ya’d gotten lost on the way to the toilet. Just side-tracked, eh?”

“Don’t,” Finn interjected in a low voice. He never interrupted his dad but he wasn’t in the mood for his bantering and jokes.

Frank eyed his son pointedly. “The two of ya have been cooped up in here for quite a bit. Come join civilization! Sally, ya have to try my cider.”

“It’s famous,” Finn muttered as he made his way downstairs.

—————————————————————————————————-

“Yer getting’ very sleepy-like right now. Yer eyes are heavy, ya can’t keep ‘em open. My voice is soothin’ and relaxin’, as relaxin’ as soakin’ in an antique tub filled with bubbles and surrounded by endless stacks of romance novels.” Rae whispered. It was late afternoon, and shards of light were dancing around them.

Kester cracked an eye open, motionless in his cross armed stance on the cushiony chair. “Is that your idea of bliss? Bubbles and warm water and books?”

Rae rolled her eyes heavenward. “Not right now, ya said the rest of the session was mine.”

“Right, sorry. It’s a habit.” Kester said hurriedly as he closed his eyes and puffed a breath in concentration. Rae smiled with actual fondness. They had traded positions and he had spent the last half hour dutifully answering her questions about his hobbies, childhood and friends. Rae had kept it light, though at one point he had mentioned being teased and bullied as a child for his small size and big ears. Rae had felt like shit for calling him Dumbo in her head all the time.

Now, he was humoring her by testing her talents as a hypnotist. Their time had ended a while before but for once, Rae was enjoying herself too much.

“Yer floatin’ in space. Think Star Wars. Except ya  _are_ the Illuminum Falcon-”

“Millenium.” He mumbled.

“Right. Yer floatin’ through hyperspace, not a care in the world, not even Han Solo, not even the Klingons-”

His eyes snapped open in outrage. “Fuck’s sake. The Klingons were in Star Trek.”

“Ya won’t even try!” Rae huffed. “Oh forget it. I can see ya like yer science fiction. It’s hopeless.”

“Yer a great hypnotist, Rae.” Kester said with touching cordiality.

“And yer just too strong-minded for me.”

Minutes later, Rae dawdled as she was shouldering her bag. She felt, no, needed to unburden herself. Maybe she would feel better? Kester seemed to read her mind because he motioned for her to sit, his tranquil “therapist” smile on his face. She delayed a few more minutes, and then-

“Finn and I had something. It lasted a few weeks.”

Kester considered his teenaged patient as she sat, head bowed. He didn’t prod her.

“We… were seein’ each other, yeah? Nothin’ serious. At least I thought. We were keepin’ it real quiet. A summer thing. Nothin’ more. And then..”

“Yes?”

“Disaster. Everythin’ got so bloody complicated. I met his parents and they thought we were a couple and Finn started to act funny.”

“Did he make you uncomfortable in any way?”

“Long and short of it is… I just don’t understand this bit…. but he wanted us to be a proper couple. Like go out an public. I stopped talkin’ to him and he wouldn’t leave me alone, Kester! He went to my home, called a lot, made me a mixtape, left me messages with mum. He was actin’…” She searched for the word.

“Lovesick?” Kester put in quietly.

Rae’s heart sank. “Yeah. It’s just not right. It’s not fair to him. People will take the piss.”

“To you? It’s clear from what you have said that Finn is willing to defend you.”

“To him! He don’t deserve to go through what I’ve gone through, yeah? He’s a decent sort!”

“And you’re not?” Kester winced inwardly almost immediately after saying it. knowing that when Rae was cornered in a discussion she tended to become supremely defensive.

Predictably, Rae squared her shoulders and glared. “Ya know what I mean.”

Kester kept his silence as a truce. Rae shook her head in agitation.

“I mean- He’s fit. He’s amazing. He doesn’t know insecurity, I hope he never does. He’s gotten off with many of the girls around Stamford. Why me? And why put himself in the way of nasty comments for a blob like me?”

“Well, let us analyze this further,” Kester said in that professional tone. “And correct me if I am mistaken, because I only wish to understand. I will try to surmise what you have just said. You are saying that…. Finn could do better?”

Rae heaved a shuddering gasp.  _Shit. Don’t cry._  She gave a tiny, miserable nod.

“Aright. And as I can see your mind is made up, allow me only to point out a small detail that has stood out to me. This is what I seem to understand from this. Is there any possibility- any, at all, no matter how miniscule- that to your young man Finn, no other girl could be better for him?”

Rae looked out the window, her gaze wistful, and yet she shook her head.

“Why do people fall in love?” Kester asked, “What compels us? Why some and not others who cross our paths? Why do people have unexpected romances? You began seeing me and within days talked of a puffed up sod named Finn who did nothin’ but glower and try to look cool. Then you talked of how attractive he was, then how interesting he was, how you had things in common. Believe me, when one is in love, it is a flame, fire; warm, inviting, strangely beautiful, and impossible to ignore, even to the rest of the world.” Kester lit his third cigarette in this session.

“Any then why do you not think it possible that Finn may feel the same way for you? That he found the only person in this town who seems to understand him? As he seemed to understand you.”

“What should I do?” Rae asked listlessly, “I’ve been such a bitch to him.”

“If ya want my advice, talk to him. Before school begins anew.”

Rae scrunched up her face. “I just can’t- Wait, no, shit. His mum rang me the other day and invited me to this tea party of whatever at their house. It was today and started around…” Rae scanned the clock, “A half hour ago. What should I do?”

Kester drew up his brows. “If love is fire, let’s say this obstacle, this reticence in meeting Finn in his own home surrounded by people, let us consider it to be a puny, fallen tree that’s in your way.”

Rae was beginning to understand and felt her courage rise. “I’m fire and I’ll burn right through those fuckers!”

————————————————————————————

“Have a biscuit, lad.” Mrs. Crowthers said eagerly. It was just his parents and Sally’s, the rest had pissed off. She was a kind of mousey looking woman, like, pretty in a bland sort of way. Finn sort of recalled her ex-husband as being blonde, red-faced and burly, so he didn’t know how the fuck their daughter came out so pretty.

Too bad Sally was such a bitch.

Finn risked a glance at the younger girl who was sandwiched between his mum and hers. He hadn’t really paid her appearance any attention when in his bedroom, shocked as he was at her brazen entrance. She was dressed in sky blue jumper and white trainers and had been glancing his way for several minutes, her eyes somber, yet still touching her face and tilting her head. He knew what she was doing- hell, this had all been a fucking game to him until recently. A well coordinated dance in which both partners knew their cues and their lines and their moves. And there were signature moves; his had had always been looking bored, blowing smoke around whatever room he was in.

Finn felt trapped in this impossible situation. Did Mrs. Crowthers think he was going to hook up with her daughter? Is that what this whole charade was? She was apparently blind to the sheer awkwardness that had overtaken everyone in the immediate area. His dad had overheard at least part of the conversation-between he and Sally- and had whispered to his mum when they had joined the others in the living room. He mum looked concerned, throwing glances at him. He shrugged and looked away, trying to appear unruffled.

“Finn,” Sally said with a flushed look, her eyes flinty. “Can we talk alone? In the kitchen?”

An interested hush fell on everyone and even he was taken aback at the ballsy move. He knew he shouldn’t be. Since when had Sally ever shied away from going after what she wanted?

“Er…” he stalled, his eyes darting around quickly. The women were peering intently at him, his Dad looked like he was trying not to laugh. His rescue came from his own mother who hovered anxiously in the background.

“Finn, love, didn’t ya say ya had to go to the garage with Chop-”

He rose quickly, stuffing the biscuit into his mouth, and then the other one he had been clutching in his hand. Cheeks bulging, Finn grunted something which was suppose to be a farewell and made for the hallway that led to the front door.

Sally looked distressed and she made a move to go after him. “Finn, wait! I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t know ya were serious about Rae. Sorry I threw that in ya face.”

Fuck’s sake. Fuckin’ blabbermouth. Finn found himself to be the center of attention, and he hated that.

“Finn, my lad, why don’t ya sit?” his dad held his gaze with an unusually solemn demeanor. He quickly shuffled over to his son and leaned in to whisper, “Put it out there in the open once and for all. Don’t let Sally move two spaces ahead.”

“This isn’t chess, dad.”

“Right. It’s life. Face this on your own terms.”

“Rae? Rae Earl?” Mrs. Crowthers wondered aloud. She looked around at everyone’s furtive expressions. “Is something amiss?”

“No, mum,” Sally said quickly.

“Nothin’ amiss, ‘cept Rae and I are involved in that sort of way.”

Upon seeing his mum’s face turn brick red, he realized what that sounded like and backtracked. “I mean, we were in a relationship. Somethin’ like that. I think.”

Mrs. Crowthers was completely befuddled. “Sally, why didn’t you mention this? I was under the impression… That is to say, I was told…”

“Sally doesn’t like Rae.” Finn added.

“She interrupted our date!” Sally explained, tossing her biscuit down. “She just showed up and Finn ran after her and-”

“You were takin’ the piss! And yer spreadin’ rumors.”

“I didn’t start that rumor about the foreigner livin’ with her mum!”

“Ya been repeatin’ it, though.”

Mrs. Crowthers raised a hand to silence the bickering teens, and lay a palm on her chest. “I had no idea. Sally, I have told you enough times to leave the past behind you. What is this fixation on Rae Earl? Over something she had no part in? Or even Linda Earl, it happened years ago.”

“It broke yer heart, mum.” Sally insisted plaintively. “It broke up our family.”

"We were on a date and then Rae-"

"Stop embarrassing yourself, Sally." Finn scoffed.

Sally glared at him and he knew what she was about to say because her dark look read  _oh yeah, ya wanna see embarrassing?_

"Ya implied ya had sex with her."

Finn’s dad spit out a mouthful of cider and choked, laughing. 

The doorbell rang before Finn could react,and his mum patted his arm as she went to answer it. He heard his mum talking in a low voice but was focused on the stupid drama that was unfolding before him as Sally and Mrs. Crowthers rehashed their dysfunctional family problems like a couple of weirdos.

Elizabeth Nelson re-emerged, looking unusually flustered. “We have an addition! Finn, love, I forgot to mention this- it slipped my mind completely, but I recently called up-”

“Oh no,” moaned Sally, “why is she here?”

Finn turned around and momentarily forgot to breathe. It was her, Rae, standing just in front of him. She was panting slightly, her cheeks rosy from probably running. He was completely thunderstruck, still unable to believe that she was in his home again, that this wasn’t some vision.

She smiled cheekily at everyone. “Hi, all! Mrs. Nelson invited me over. I hope I aint intrudin’.”

“Yer not!” Finn said quickly before Sally could speak. He was bemused and tentatively hopeful. If she was here, maybe they could talk alone later? He felt it again, as he led Rae to a seat by his dad, that feeling like something in his chest was about to burst out. Not burst out like that creature in the movie Alien. Instead, just touching her elbow made him feel like something there was expanding, filling up everything. He felt his heart beat hot and fast.

Rae was polite to everyone, even Sally who didn’t seem to want to acknowledge her.

“Mrs. Crowthers,” Rae spoke much more timidly, then with more confidence as the woman’s response was warm.

“How was yer day, lass?” Frank Earl gave her his crooked smile.

“Good, thanks. Just got back from seein’ my.. my uncle. It was a good day.”

She locked eyes with Finn and her smile was luminous, at least to him. Finn couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and he knew everyone else noticed. Maybe they had a chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this installment. I know the ending is weird but I combined everything so you guys wouldn’t have to read Finn and Sally bickering for two chapters. I tried to make Sally weird and erratic but also somewhat sympathetic. Did I achieve that? I’m starting to love the little freak :)
> 
> Reviews are, as ever, greatly appreciated.
> 
> Next Chap- more of the gang. And sex, of course. Duh.


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